Doubting Thomas... and Faith... life.

"Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die
Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted ..."

So in this whole philosophy thing, I have always been terrified that what I have based my life around could be proven false. It's an interesting thing to feel at times that life is built around a house of cards that a single philosophical delima could bring it down. I guess I am now at the point that I am fairly confident in the reality of Christ. I have doubted and questioned and had so many fits to try and get my way. I have tried to prove it false for so long. It is quite ironic to try to disprove something when the one thing I want is for Christ to be truth. That reality would be too good for it to be true. Wouldn't it?
I have gotten used to not holding my breath. A while back I wrote that I had nothing to say, but that I wanted too. It was like a birthing process (although i am not sure how much I can own or appreciate the analogy). I have been dealing with Kant and Hegel in Modern and as many questions as they have raised which cause many theologians to hate them, I find some serious comfort in what they have said. Kant really helped to cement (or at least bring hope) to some issues I have had. In many ways he is a doubter's philosopher. I never wanted to be a clone or one of the faceless conservative mob. I have never liked a label. As many, I thought that acceptance of Christ means the rejection of an identity and the theft of personality.
I guess I can say that I have finally come to the place that God, in the reality of Christ, is an almost unquestionable reality. As I have said I wared against it for so long. I have attacked the weaknesses and come back defeated. It is a good place.
Now, instead of the loss of identity, Christ is actually the gaining of identity and the realization of personality for me. I have lived so long trying to please people or fit in. I have been lost in the futile attempt to be"like that". It hurts and is so painful to attempt. In Christ I have the freedom to be the more honest and sincere than anywhere else. It is not easy. So many causes and people vie for my heart, so many ideas wrestle for my mind. It all boils down to obedience faith and having the courage to act on both. In some ways it is a fight, an act of will, to overcome everything that screams, "NO!". But it is rewarding and freedom...and freedom is worth fighting for. The thought that I could, can , and have been used blows my mind.