So, overwhelmed seems to be the word of choice for me right now. Yet, I know God has a purpose for all of the things that are being brought into and taken out of my life. I find it increasingly hard to keep my gaze Christ-ward when I focus on all the deadlines and inadequecies that I have in my life. "Set your eyes on things above..."

" Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall.
Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.
Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely til the sun goes down.
And that is all that life really is."
_ R.L. Stevenson

Thanks be to God that I can be "anyone"... His Child.

I want a Broken Heart....

I’ve got faith in the bank and money in my heart
i’ve got a calloused place where your ring used to be, my love
i’ve traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies

i thought the cattle on a thousand hills
was not enough to pay my bills
and i fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now i want a broken heart

now there’s a great pad lock
on the place where i was free
and i’m feeling bad from swallowing that key
now i work real hard but i mostly call in sick
of a broken back from the ground fighting back at me

i cannot look you in the eye
so i check the knots on my disguise
‘cause i fell in love with fashion in the dark
and now i want a broken heart

i’ve got alibis for every crime
a substitute to do my time
‘cause Your heart breaks enough on both our parts
so now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
-Derek Webb

Hmm...

The Joy of the Lord is my strength. Have you ever stopped to think about that? The past two day, well, they were not so good. But last night, and today, I cried out so hard. I prayed so hard about God's work at Asbury and in my life, and while I felt so horribly sick and tired, the love and Joy of the Lord overwhelmed me. Even though I feel pretty crappy, customers at work commented on my smile and "happiness" and one of the pastors that has come in knew my name well before I thought he should (first day). I wanted to tell those people it is the joy of the Lord, and if I am asked again, I think that will be my answer. I could list all of the things that are off in my life...things that could be better, but they don't really seem to matter. I know it is God. It is not me. I am amazed. The joy of the Lord is my strength....

Joy...

"Yes, it does make a difference where a man finds joy."
St. Augustine

What is a "Good Confession"?

A defense I have often used has been something along the lines of, "I am preaching the Gospel and only using words when necessary." I have been a covert Christian and hidden behind that in comfort. While reading, the idea of a confession of faith was clarified to me. When we think about our current system of baptism and spirituality in general, the American Church seems to fall short. In Rome, a confession of faith was a quite public thing. Religion has fallen in the realm of the private here, but then, a confession was a public confirmation and spoken declaration of ones belief in Jesus as the Christ. The Apostles Creed is the most notable example of such a proclamation:

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:
And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:
Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:
The third day he rose again from the dead:
He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:
From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:
I believe in the Holy Ghost:
I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:
The forgiveness of sins:
The resurrection of the body (or flesh):
And the life everlasting. Amen.

Such a proclamation creates an open identification of the believer with the life, death, resurrection, and sufferings of Christ. I think of my baptism and know that I was baptized in basically a private setting: a pond with close Christian friends. While that is part of the purpose, I wonder if I somehow missed what is at the heart of the issues. Most Christians in the Roman context incurred immediate persecution and I went along with my daily life unchanged. Perceptions unaltered. Hidden and sadly unchanged. My "good and beautiful confession" has been tempered by fear of public opinion and fallen into the shadows. And as such, the confession of those in countries in which persecution is a way of life makes their confession all that much more of a confession. Mine has only been a footnote to my life... and for that I feel some shame.

I am not bashing American Christians by any means. I am just raising the question: Why do I treat my salvation as a footnote to myself when I introduce myself? Why do I apologize to those around me and make allowances such as "I know you might not understand...", "it may seem weird to you...", or "I know this may be uncomfortable, but..."? It leads me to beg for forgiveness from my fear of those around me when my family prays in public. My reluctance to associate in public. I see this as a general American trend as well.

In Confessions, Augustine tells the story of a Roman, Victorinus, who claimed Christ in private, but would not identify with the Church in public. One of the Church fathers would not believe the confession of Victorinus until he made a public confession and stood with the church. To this, Victorinus would reply, "Do walls then make Christians?" In our culture of "acceptance", I find that my response has been the same as Victorinus to those that ask for a genuine stand.... Except, I don't feel that I have been asked for a genuine stand.

Underneath all of this, is my desire for relationship with Christ. There are several passages that talk about leaving all things, counting all things loss, leaving those we love for the sake of Christ, and the loss of our life to gain Christ.

My heart's cry is to be found in Christ and live a life that draws all around me to the reality of relationship with Christ. I want to find a way to have a public Confession.

A lot of thought ...

Ironically, I have been thinking so much about so many things. Mostly about God. My relationship with God and the deep tug I have felt towards Him recently. I have been trying to ask hard questions. I have been asking them, but I find that an entire summer has taught me that I have been less than unteachable: I have been a spiritual and intellectual snob that knows less than most. It is one of the most humiliating thoughts I have had in a long time. Sadly, all I can do is cry out to God and ask forgiveness for the mockery I have made of Him to those I live with and interact with. Do you want to see a Hypocrite? Look at me.

For the longest time I thought that I was above sin. I was a good Christian kid that did things well. I always have gotten in trouble for the things other people do, so I don't do anythings bad on my own. I heard it said before that one man, a "pagan" came to a knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ and an excited Co-worker congratulated him.I don't remember how the story fully went, but it ended that the man who just had recieved Christ told the other man, a "devout" Christian, that the devout Christian was the one reason he hadn't pursued God before.

I am realizing that I am the reason I have not pursued God more. I am both men. I have thought that my status as a "good Kid" meant that I was above sin. I really didn't think I was evil or that i had a sinful nature. I could make it by on my own. In a relgion based on grace, "perfection" makes no need for a savior. My arrogance... It astounds even me.

I have been pouring over Romans and reading Confession by St. Augustine. Augustine has pierced me to the heart several times. I find myself relating far too much (except not when it comes to being wise, and catching things quickly with my intellect, and being a scholar, and... so only a little). I only want to share one passage, then off to bed.
"In Rome, I joined the same "holy ones" who were decieved and were decieving others. I fell ill and convalesced in a home of one of the disciples of this group. But I went beyond even discipleship and entered the inner circle, who called themselves "the elect". I still believed that it is not we personally who sin. Rather, I wanted to believe that a foreign force of evil sins in us. That pleased my pride because then I was not responsible. If I did something evil, I didn't have to admit that I had done anything wrong. You [God] would heal my soul because some "it" over which I had no control was responsible. I loved to excuse myself and to accuse some other mysterious " thing" inside me that was disconnected from the real me. In truth it was wholly me and my wicked heart that divided me from myself. My sin was all the more hopeless because I did not judge myself to have any guilt.
What an abominable sinner I was. I wold rather have lordship over You, O God Almighty, even if it meant my ultimate destruction, than depend upon You for salvation. You had not yet put your guard on my mouth to lock my lips. I continued to say wicked things and try to justify myself so that I wouldn't have to face the guilt of my sins.
That is the way with those who live in sin. And I was one of their "elect"."

I have been such a blind fool for so long. It tears right to my core to know that I could sign my name to St. Augustine's Confession and be completely honest. I came to Asbury, found myself holy in my own eyes, in others, and lost all freedom to see You O Lord. To all those I have been arrogant, uncharitable, and condescending too, I beg your forgiveness. I really have had no Idea what I have been talking about. I can gladly say I am a new man. But I have a hard time surrendering the mockery and shame and destruction I have left on those innocent around me...
Thank God for Grace. Now I am beginging to know what it is and why I need it so desperately.