Hmm...

So I have been thinking and, enjoy the irony, realizing that I worry far to much about what other people think of me. This has been stealing my joy and I am not to happy with that theft. Somewhat not related but containing the word happy:

Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness.
—George Orwell

"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

-Yeats

Charlie Brown, Richmond, and deer...

If you have ever heard the opening lines to "A Charlie Brown Christmas" then you know how I have traditionally felt about Christmas. I was sitting at home last night and in between reading and sleeping, I watched the traditional Charlie Brown. This semester has been a very different one. They always are, but heading home this semester has actually felt "more right" than it ever has before. It was a longer drive than usual (by three hours) and the rain, snow, ice and sleet made the twelve (usually 8.5) hour drive especially draining. I am not the biggest fan of Richmond, but I was so excited to hit 295 at about 12am. I was really excited to see those green signs saying Richmond/Washington.
I did have that post that I wanted to write a while back about home. I have considered myself more of a nomad than someone with a home. I have never really ever gotten homesick. I have never really felt compelled to be "there". Yet, this year, home is home. That may not make sense to most, but maybe it will so some. I am happy to finally have felt that "I really want to go home" feeling.

SO I have covered Charlie Brown, Richmond...oh yeah the deer. Don't hate me, but I saw my first deer hit by a van right in front of us today. We were on the way back from Fredericksburg listening to Brian Regan (I finally hook-ed my parents) and we saw two deer start out onto 95. The first was hit really hard and the second made it. I was somewhat in shock, but I distinctly remember thinking, "Deer don't have feathers." I think it is really hilarious now. Certainly it is slightly morbid, but just so you know: Deer don't have feathers. Ask me about it later if you feel brave enough. Take Luck. And if I don't post 'til I get back to campus Happy Christ-year. Merry New-Mas. eh....Merry Christmas.

Hearing and Seeing...

They said to the woman, "We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world."

"I know that You can do all things,
And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'
"Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
'Hear, now, and I will speak;
I will ask You, and You instruct me.'
"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear;
But now my eye sees You;
Therefore I retract,
And I repent in dust and ashes."

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!

"We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more. All of our hearts ache. All of our hearts are at some level unsatisfied and longing. It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God."

Just a Thought...

"One who breaks open the way will go up before them: they will break through the gate and go out. The king will pass through before them, the LORD at their head."
I have been really thinking about home. What is it? I have moved constantly. To me there have always been many unknowns (even in the close future). So often this verse could be interpreted as a triumphant claim. I thought that for a while. Thinking about it now, I see it more as a comfort and a promise. Best wishes to all transfering, graduating, or leaving for new things. Thanks for your friendships and the memories!

Home....

Once again I am not doing what I am supposed to, but I had a conversation in a coffee shop last night that got me thinking. I was asked where home was for me. That is a fuzzy place now. I have my parents house. School, which my mother hates me calling home, and the trail of states that I have lived in. The longest that I have lived in one place is five years. I asked the woman how travelling a lot affected her ability to have depth in her relationships because I have noticed that I make friendships that grow deep quickly, but I know I will leave in four years so I stay at that initial depth. it is a pschological defense or something like that, but that is a bullcrap excuse for being scared to really invest in the people in my life and commit. For those of you that have been screwed by my lack of heart, I am sorry.
Why the change? haha. Why not? I have realized that I have lived half a life and I have marginalized those around me. My love has been strewn with egoism and void of much altruism (philosophy huh?). I should be known by the love that I am exhibiting not denying. When we love, we open ourselves up to pain. To hurt. To loss.
So what does this have to do with "home"? Well maybe my lack of reckless love and trust (taking the pain as well as joy) forces me to a nomadic life. Anyway, Cheers to all.

Fun at 2 AM...

Ashleigh, Ben, me

Obruni..

I was thinking about Ghana and looking through our pictures. I liked this one, but never really looked all that closely at it. I just noticed that I was in the picture. I was completely oblivious of the boy following me. Sure I am the weird "obruni" ("Obruni, how are you? I am fine. Thank you." That is what the kids chanted in groups us. It was humorous to hear and see.), but now that it is cold I really miss Ghana badly. The people were amazing. I loved it there.

Thoughts on Love and maybe Loss...

Love is a funny thing isn't it? We are told to do it. We chase it. We lay all at its alter. To me itmany times seems a cheap idol. Like it has lost its meaning or has had its meaning slandered. When someone says they are searching for love what do they mean? Often I feel as though the word love should be substituted with meaning or acceptance. We give ourselves in search for meaning and acceptance which are not love, just a clever cover for them. Don't get me wrong. I have loved one person so, for lack of a better word, purely it hurt. Holding onto her was not the good thin for her, so I surendered her reluctantly. A philosophical definition that has been consistantly held. It that Love is:
The desire for the good of the beloved.
The desire for union with the bloved.
I am asserting that a desire for the good must sometimes mean that our desire for union gets ruffed ("to play trump" using the word as reference to actually showing love/winning a card game) by the good of the beloved. So there is a heirarchy of those two "love" desires. It really stinks. Sometimes love must overcome our desires so that it can win. This can mean not being accepted. Not finding meaning there. I know it might be hard to swallow, and it has been at times for me, but meaning found in someone (short of Jesus Christ) is going to disappoint you. If you find your meaning in someone that fails you, have you lost your meaning? For so long I though I needed someone. I want someone, and hopefully I recognize that person and fight for her. I think I am starting to ramble, but my point is, when you find someone you care about deeply, dare I say love, who cares about you deeply and cares about you so much that they are willing to let you leave them for your own good (in spite of their deep love or you) ...well. What do you think? I think maybe you should hang onto them. This might be my justification of a past act. It could be my philosophy of Love. Or it could show my lack of fighting spirit for the ones I love. Or it could be my way of mourning. Or.... haha. Almost though i was going to keep going? Tell me what you think about any of this. The beauty of finals is to think about anything that does not have to do with what you should be doing: cramming/studying.

Sleet and the start of finals crunch...

Does notwisdom call,
And understanding lift up her voice?
On top of the heights beside the way,
Where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
Beside the gates, at the opening to the city,
At the entrance of the doors, she cries out:
"To you, O men, I call,
And my voice is to the sons of men.
"O naive ones, understand prudence;
And, O fools, understand wisdom.
"Listen, for I will speak noble things;
And the opening of my lips will reveal right things.

Thoughts about my selfishness...

Things are actually tight financially. How will things work out? After hearing from the Mississippi team today, I realized how much excess I have in my life. People have nothing in our own country and I am complaining.
Christmas is coming and the Gulf Coastis still devastated. When my mother asked me what I want, I told her I would get back with her. It is so easy for me to get caught up in material possessions. How about a desire to help that translates into action? I want so many things that are meaningless and, as Solomon rightly described them, "a chasing after the wind". I feel so foolish when I lose track of the things that really matter in life. I trade Real Life for that which is manufactured for me.
I understand that every need is not one I am morally obligated to meet. Yet, should I stop with that statement? Life is about relationships. In Ghana this summer, our team had visited a woman that was dying of AIDS alone in her apartment. I was struggling with this as we were walking through a market. I felt so inadequate. I was frustrated with God and asking him why her, and why me? I was so focused on myself and how I felt about the situation.Then I felt a small hand in mine. I looked down, and there was a Ghanaian boy standing there (pictured above). We were in an area of Ghanathat did not speak Twi or English, so we just looked at each other, held hands and tried to communicate through a local photographer that was following us that day. I found out that he was a Muslim boy named Anam. This boy changed how I view the world. God used a Muslim child that had a different religion, culture, language and skin color to show His love to me. I don't know why this came out, but take it if you want. God is so much bigger than us. I want these words to me mine:

Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever...
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

Psalm 73:25-26, 28

St. Augustine, Florida

Well everything has a start, and an end...

Well everything has a start, and an end. Today I am joining the countless masses that engage in blogging and so ends my protest of blogs in general. So I guess I will figure out its direction soon, but for now, a favorite quote of mine:

"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."
-Donald Miller