2.28.2006
2.25.2006
"I can see now I never really committed... I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments. " (High Fidelity)
I find it interesting how often commitment has been a dirty word to me. I like having control. I'll be honest. I like to be in control, but I don't want the responsibility when the blame is getting dished out. I like to live vicariously thorugh people and organize their actions and watch the success. Then i become frustrated because it is my idea that is getting someont else credit. Well, that is some real insecurity isn't it?
Things are changing for me. I am tired of being passive, and there are some things in life that you cannot just sit on someone else's coat-tails for. Good gets in the way of the best. Pain happens too. People say that nothing of value comes for free or doesn't have a price that must be paid. In the midst of calls to "settle" and to "just accept things", I can't help but think that that is wrong.
While I am not quite certain where I supposed to be, God has been revealing some new passions that I did not know I had. Regardless of where I am headed, I can't help but feel that God never calls us to settle! He calls us to FOLLOW. Paul shows a zeal to keeep moving forward. There are many examples, but one of the most clear for me is in Philippians:
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I guess being a (former) athlete brings this into perspective. So often I wanted to quit. When I hurt I wanted to give up so badly. If I give up I become less than mediocre.
To commit...
I find it interesting how often commitment has been a dirty word to me. I like having control. I'll be honest. I like to be in control, but I don't want the responsibility when the blame is getting dished out. I like to live vicariously thorugh people and organize their actions and watch the success. Then i become frustrated because it is my idea that is getting someont else credit. Well, that is some real insecurity isn't it?
Things are changing for me. I am tired of being passive, and there are some things in life that you cannot just sit on someone else's coat-tails for. Good gets in the way of the best. Pain happens too. People say that nothing of value comes for free or doesn't have a price that must be paid. In the midst of calls to "settle" and to "just accept things", I can't help but think that that is wrong.
While I am not quite certain where I supposed to be, God has been revealing some new passions that I did not know I had. Regardless of where I am headed, I can't help but feel that God never calls us to settle! He calls us to FOLLOW. Paul shows a zeal to keeep moving forward. There are many examples, but one of the most clear for me is in Philippians:
"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I guess being a (former) athlete brings this into perspective. So often I wanted to quit. When I hurt I wanted to give up so badly. If I give up I become less than mediocre.
To commit...
2.22.2006
I feel it so much today. So battered. It is interesting how I want to grow, but tend to hate the pain involved. All I want is not what I need:I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"
The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.
How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?
2.20.2006
Aquinas....
So in Aquinas the other day, we got into a friendly debate over the things necessary for happiness. One of the questions in his Treatise on Happiness is, " Are friends necessary for hapiness?". I sharply disagreed with Aquinas in class. He says that there are two types of happiness: perfect and imperfect. For imperfect happines it seems as though friends are required, but he concludes that the combination of God and one person creates all that is needed.
Of course, several of us tried to take down Saint Thomas. We argued that if an was in a vacuum this would be fine, but man is relational. We cannot fathom only God. God said it was "not good" for man to be alone in Genesis. We talked about how even hermits interact with people occasionally and that isolation is not good for people. Some students brought up the monastic orders and pointed out how men separate themselves from the world, but we instantly rebuted them saying that they at least lived in a community of like minded monks.
I have been thinking for a while today, a week later, about my resonse on this question. I was confusing the ideal with the actual. I was trasnfering my frustration for God not being sufficient for me as an excuse to shoot down Aquinas. Like I wrote a while back, we are beings that live a life of reaction. I reacted to my prof's high view of Aquinas and my own spiritual frustration.
I see friends as a necessity because of my overdependance on them. I do not like being alone. What is alone? Humorous, is it not? William Wadsworth wrote, "The World is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste to our powers". If we were to remove our dependance on the friends that fail, and then to place it in the one who created them, how would we live? We are such needy people. Such helpless children. And this is where friends help to balance us out. I believe that friends are necessary, but should not be our aim. I think that the ideal would be great, but due to our fallen nature we are unable to completely attain the ideal. Most of the practical things that I have learned about God i have learned through my friends.
"He asks too much to whom God is not sufficient."
“He is an exceedingly covetous fellow to whom God is not sufficient; and he is an exceeding fool to whom the world is sufficient. For God is all inexhaustible treasury of all riches, sufficing innumerable men; while the world has mere trifles and fascinations to offer, and leads the soul into deep and sorrowful poverty.”
Of course, several of us tried to take down Saint Thomas. We argued that if an was in a vacuum this would be fine, but man is relational. We cannot fathom only God. God said it was "not good" for man to be alone in Genesis. We talked about how even hermits interact with people occasionally and that isolation is not good for people. Some students brought up the monastic orders and pointed out how men separate themselves from the world, but we instantly rebuted them saying that they at least lived in a community of like minded monks.
I have been thinking for a while today, a week later, about my resonse on this question. I was confusing the ideal with the actual. I was trasnfering my frustration for God not being sufficient for me as an excuse to shoot down Aquinas. Like I wrote a while back, we are beings that live a life of reaction. I reacted to my prof's high view of Aquinas and my own spiritual frustration.
I see friends as a necessity because of my overdependance on them. I do not like being alone. What is alone? Humorous, is it not? William Wadsworth wrote, "The World is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste to our powers". If we were to remove our dependance on the friends that fail, and then to place it in the one who created them, how would we live? We are such needy people. Such helpless children. And this is where friends help to balance us out. I believe that friends are necessary, but should not be our aim. I think that the ideal would be great, but due to our fallen nature we are unable to completely attain the ideal. Most of the practical things that I have learned about God i have learned through my friends.
"He asks too much to whom God is not sufficient."
“He is an exceedingly covetous fellow to whom God is not sufficient; and he is an exceeding fool to whom the world is sufficient. For God is all inexhaustible treasury of all riches, sufficing innumerable men; while the world has mere trifles and fascinations to offer, and leads the soul into deep and sorrowful poverty.”
2.13.2006
Reactions...
I watched chapel today. Snug in my room. I had just gotten out of the shower, having overslept. I woke up miserably seeking God. Feeling empty. Apparently I was not seeking God, but my comfort. I always want to feel his peace, but not His unsettling movement in my life. I just couldn't get over myself...
So I have been realizing how selfish I am and focusing on that. I have been using myself to hide from God. You know when you hold your hand up really close to your eye, you can blot out something so much bigger (even squish a head ot two). Well I have in a sense been squishing God. I have kept God at an arm's length and stared at what I consider bad in my life instead of praising Him for what is good in my life. I have been so busy telling God what I think that he should do in my life instead of actually listening and hearing what He has called me to do.
I stopped and listened. All I could hear was my own thoughts and the chaos that I have let them hold in my life. Such loud silence. Thoughts jumbled and crashing into each other. I wish I could blame it on ADD. This will come to a point soon...trust me.
Image:
When you fly or travel, sometimes people focus too close to their vehicle. SO much movement and lack of control. Lack of direction. This can cause motion sickness. Or try a slack line. If you focus exactly on what you are doing (each step and shift of the webbing) you will lose your balance. In both instances you need to look intently at something farther or bigger than yourself. You must pick a point and dedicate your eyes to being fixed on it. This give a perspective that balances out the instability. I think this is how it is in our inner life. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful man, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Basically, my conclusion is this:
If we focus on ourselves, our world falls into chaos, our dreams become empty and void of life, and our God becomes small. If we focus on Christ, keeping our eyes disiplined and rightly directed, we are free to worship. We are free to live. yes, there will be suffering and things flying by us, but we will have found the person that can "keep us from falling" and will "do immeasuably more than we," in our shortsightedness, could hope or ask for. Then people will see the servant and want to know the master.
So I have been realizing how selfish I am and focusing on that. I have been using myself to hide from God. You know when you hold your hand up really close to your eye, you can blot out something so much bigger (even squish a head ot two). Well I have in a sense been squishing God. I have kept God at an arm's length and stared at what I consider bad in my life instead of praising Him for what is good in my life. I have been so busy telling God what I think that he should do in my life instead of actually listening and hearing what He has called me to do.
I stopped and listened. All I could hear was my own thoughts and the chaos that I have let them hold in my life. Such loud silence. Thoughts jumbled and crashing into each other. I wish I could blame it on ADD. This will come to a point soon...trust me.
Image:
When you fly or travel, sometimes people focus too close to their vehicle. SO much movement and lack of control. Lack of direction. This can cause motion sickness. Or try a slack line. If you focus exactly on what you are doing (each step and shift of the webbing) you will lose your balance. In both instances you need to look intently at something farther or bigger than yourself. You must pick a point and dedicate your eyes to being fixed on it. This give a perspective that balances out the instability. I think this is how it is in our inner life. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful man, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."
Basically, my conclusion is this:
If we focus on ourselves, our world falls into chaos, our dreams become empty and void of life, and our God becomes small. If we focus on Christ, keeping our eyes disiplined and rightly directed, we are free to worship. We are free to live. yes, there will be suffering and things flying by us, but we will have found the person that can "keep us from falling" and will "do immeasuably more than we," in our shortsightedness, could hope or ask for. Then people will see the servant and want to know the master.
2.12.2006
Being a Bastard...no really.
"Am I putting God in the humiliating position of having treated me as a child of His whilst all the time I have been ignoring Him? When I do hear Him, the humiliation I have put on Him comes back on me - "Lord, why was I so dull and so obstinate?" This is always the result when once we do hear God. The real delight of hearing Him is tempered with shame in having been so long in hearing Him. "
Chambers.
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat of it's fruit."
Proverbs 18:21
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?If you are not disciplined (and everyone is dsciplined), than you are illegitimate children and not true sons."
Hebrews 12:7-8
Harsh title, huh? Especially coming from me. I tend to not use this kind of language, even if it is what I mean or want to say, but my tongue has forced me into this position. My heart has not been pursuing God with all that is in it. As the snow is once more falling, I am reminded of the way my sins are not covered, but gone. Yet I am so hesitant to accept a gift that I consider free: Forginveness. Ironically it is not free. It is so expensive. It costs two lives. His and mine.
So confidently yesterday i took my life into my hands and decided to be "cute". My wit is sharp and some people consider that a blessing. Well, I cut too many people with its blade. One. One person is too many. And for that my heart is broken. I humilliated Christ by not thinking. I took for granted the power of words once more and became, no, a not a bastard, because that implies something that I cannot help (and I can help this), but such a prodigal son. I find it funny the way I realize meanings of words, but I will keep the title because it is catchy.
I have been claiming to hear God on such levels as acting on what I feel is a call. Saddly I have ignored the very basest, simplest call: To love in word deed and truth. Haha. Yeah I usually don't work things out on such a public level. I am very private and very proud. And selfish. Thankfully there is forgiveness and discipline. You know, I think the idea of Catholic penance is very appealing to me. But I am reminded of Joel 2:13 right now:
Chambers.
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat of it's fruit."
Proverbs 18:21
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?If you are not disciplined (and everyone is dsciplined), than you are illegitimate children and not true sons."
Hebrews 12:7-8
Harsh title, huh? Especially coming from me. I tend to not use this kind of language, even if it is what I mean or want to say, but my tongue has forced me into this position. My heart has not been pursuing God with all that is in it. As the snow is once more falling, I am reminded of the way my sins are not covered, but gone. Yet I am so hesitant to accept a gift that I consider free: Forginveness. Ironically it is not free. It is so expensive. It costs two lives. His and mine.
So confidently yesterday i took my life into my hands and decided to be "cute". My wit is sharp and some people consider that a blessing. Well, I cut too many people with its blade. One. One person is too many. And for that my heart is broken. I humilliated Christ by not thinking. I took for granted the power of words once more and became, no, a not a bastard, because that implies something that I cannot help (and I can help this), but such a prodigal son. I find it funny the way I realize meanings of words, but I will keep the title because it is catchy.
I have been claiming to hear God on such levels as acting on what I feel is a call. Saddly I have ignored the very basest, simplest call: To love in word deed and truth. Haha. Yeah I usually don't work things out on such a public level. I am very private and very proud. And selfish. Thankfully there is forgiveness and discipline. You know, I think the idea of Catholic penance is very appealing to me. But I am reminded of Joel 2:13 right now:
Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.
All the actions I want are not enough unless I change in my heart. Well, my heart is torn.
"Come, let us return to the LORD
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
"He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him.
"So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."
come rains, oh come rains...
"Come, let us return to the LORD
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
"He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him.
"So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."
come rains, oh come rains...
2.11.2006
2.10.2006
Philosophy...
Nine hours of philosophy this semester makes me very aware of a few things. One. I tend to be shallow and partial to how I look at the world. Two. I bit off more than I can chew well. And three. So much of life is a reaction. Reactions of the mind against things that move us. So many great thinkers stumbled into their beliefs because of how passionately they were struck, both possitively and negatively, by the actions or assertions of another. Hobbes to Descartes. Spinoza to Hobbes and Descartes. Etc. This reactionary attitude dwells in the depths of my heart and mind. Often to my detriment. I have hated the church for so long. Everything about the lies lived by members makes me hurt and deeply saddened by how I know it is supposed to be different. I have run in so many simple ways from that "institution" failling to see that the institution is not the Church. The irony is that I condemn it for being fake, for not loving, for not being Christ, for not taking action and for walking the other side of the road when an untouchable is in need. These traits are mine as well. People like to use this quote often, "The Church is a whore, but she is my mother." Augustine had it right there, but I too am a whore as well. Intellectually I stand pointing a finger at the church. Yet, I have become terrified that I will start to serve the intellect more the the one that made the thought possible. It starts small. Then I am left with the biggest ego. So proud. Certainly there are many things wrong with the church, but I have been attempting to stone it so often, when i am the one caught in adultery. Thankfully I just need to open my ears and hear "neither do I condemn you." More later...
2.07.2006
Who am I?
Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell's confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.
Bonhoeffer
Now for action...
"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children."
Bonhoeffer
Hwne you have a cause that is bigger than you, it give you a life and energy that is outside of your normal restrictions. I have a passion for something and that is rare. I have hidden it for fear. Well now the fire has been lit, and the plan of action is in the works. I long for a pure heart and motives in all that I am doing. Too often the choice is lead, shutup, walk away, or be ineffective and numb. That is not acceptable now. Not enough.
It is amazing how fearful I am of stepping up and claiming what is in my heart with confidence. The impact of an event is felt in its aftermath. What happened? Or what has changed?
Actions should and must be taken to be Christ to the community and to make up for lost time. Not for our sake or the church's ...but for Christ. It is time to stand up and stand by those in need. Whether on a national, international level, or the guy standing next to me in line, I need to reflect Christ to them in everything I do. He has been slandered by my actions and words long enough. Call me out everyone. Keep me accountable...
It is amazing how fearful I am of stepping up and claiming what is in my heart with confidence. The impact of an event is felt in its aftermath. What happened? Or what has changed?
"Will I be different now or the same?
Have even learned anything?
...or was it just a way to spend a day or two set aside for thinking thoughts about you.
If that's all it was I had a good time.
But that won't be enough for me.
Not this year or anytime soon!"
Have even learned anything?
...or was it just a way to spend a day or two set aside for thinking thoughts about you.
If that's all it was I had a good time.
But that won't be enough for me.
Not this year or anytime soon!"
Charlie Peacock
Actions should and must be taken to be Christ to the community and to make up for lost time. Not for our sake or the church's ...but for Christ. It is time to stand up and stand by those in need. Whether on a national, international level, or the guy standing next to me in line, I need to reflect Christ to them in everything I do. He has been slandered by my actions and words long enough. Call me out everyone. Keep me accountable...
2.06.2006
Heart...
"Prostitutes are in no danger of finding their present life so satisfactory that they cannot turn to God: the pround, the avarice, the self-righteous, are in danger."
C. S. Lewis
I've never wanted to have a heart that is not attached to the comfort of the world more than I do now. I am so tired of being a white-washed tomb.
"You can live the College life or change the world."
C. S. Lewis
I've never wanted to have a heart that is not attached to the comfort of the world more than I do now. I am so tired of being a white-washed tomb.
"You can live the College life or change the world."
2.05.2006
Take action....
www.seekjustice.org
AIDS
Northern Uganda
Sex Tourism
Etc.
Let your voice be heard...
Just got back from the Acting on AIDS Leadership Conference. I am processing the information, so expect loads of information coming soon.
AIDS
Northern Uganda
Sex Tourism
Etc.
Let your voice be heard...
Just got back from the Acting on AIDS Leadership Conference. I am processing the information, so expect loads of information coming soon.
2.02.2006
Definitions: Defined?
1 : an act of determining; specifically : the formal proclamation of a Roman Catholic dogma
2 a : a statement expressing the essential nature of something b : a statement of the meaning of a word or word group or a sign or symboldefinitions> c : a product of defining
3 : the action or process of defining
4 a : the action or the power of describing, explaining, or making definate and clear b : clarity of visual presentation : distinctness of outline or detail
What needs to be alright in your life for you to be alright?2 a : a statement expressing the essential nature of something b : a statement of the meaning of a word or word group or a sign or symbol
3 : the action or process of
What defines your identity?
jim burgen
When you describe yourself what words to you use and what names do you drop. I have been so convicted of this the past month. Seriously listen to yourself... How do you define your worth? And by your conversations, how do you define those around you? I know I need to change the way I speak. I am careless with my words...
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