Being a Bastard...no really.

"Am I putting God in the humiliating position of having treated me as a child of His whilst all the time I have been ignoring Him? When I do hear Him, the humiliation I have put on Him comes back on me - "Lord, why was I so dull and so obstinate?" This is always the result when once we do hear God. The real delight of hearing Him is tempered with shame in having been so long in hearing Him. "
Chambers.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat of it's fruit."
Proverbs 18:21

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?If you are not disciplined (and everyone is dsciplined), than you are illegitimate children and not true sons."
Hebrews 12:7-8

Harsh title, huh? Especially coming from me. I tend to not use this kind of language, even if it is what I mean or want to say, but my tongue has forced me into this position. My heart has not been pursuing God with all that is in it. As the snow is once more falling, I am reminded of the way my sins are not covered, but gone. Yet I am so hesitant to accept a gift that I consider free: Forginveness. Ironically it is not free. It is so expensive. It costs two lives. His and mine.

So confidently yesterday i took my life into my hands and decided to be "cute". My wit is sharp and some people consider that a blessing. Well, I cut too many people with its blade. One. One person is too many. And for that my heart is broken. I humilliated Christ by not thinking. I took for granted the power of words once more and became, no, a not a bastard, because that implies something that I cannot help (and I can help this), but such a prodigal son. I find it funny the way I realize meanings of words, but I will keep the title because it is catchy.

I have been claiming to hear God on such levels as acting on what I feel is a call. Saddly I have ignored the very basest, simplest call: To love in word deed and truth. Haha. Yeah I usually don't work things out on such a public level. I am very private and very proud. And selfish. Thankfully there is forgiveness and discipline. You know, I think the idea of Catholic penance is very appealing to me. But I am reminded of Joel 2:13 right now:

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

All the actions I want are not enough unless I change in my heart. Well, my heart is torn.
"Come, let us return to the LORD
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
"He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him.
"So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."

come rains, oh come rains...