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I watched chapel today. Snug in my room. I had just gotten out of the shower, having overslept. I woke up miserably seeking God. Feeling empty. Apparently I was not seeking God, but my comfort. I always want to feel his peace, but not His unsettling movement in my life. I just couldn't get over myself...

So I have been realizing how selfish I am and focusing on that. I have been using myself to hide from God. You know when you hold your hand up really close to your eye, you can blot out something so much bigger (even squish a head ot two). Well I have in a sense been squishing God. I have kept God at an arm's length and stared at what I consider bad in my life instead of praising Him for what is good in my life. I have been so busy telling God what I think that he should do in my life instead of actually listening and hearing what He has called me to do.

I stopped and listened. All I could hear was my own thoughts and the chaos that I have let them hold in my life. Such loud silence. Thoughts jumbled and crashing into each other. I wish I could blame it on ADD. This will come to a point soon...trust me.

Image:
When you fly or travel, sometimes people focus too close to their vehicle. SO much movement and lack of control. Lack of direction. This can cause motion sickness. Or try a slack line. If you focus exactly on what you are doing (each step and shift of the webbing) you will lose your balance. In both instances you need to look intently at something farther or bigger than yourself. You must pick a point and dedicate your eyes to being fixed on it. This give a perspective that balances out the instability. I think this is how it is in our inner life. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful man, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Basically, my conclusion is this:

If we focus on ourselves, our world falls into chaos, our dreams become empty and void of life, and our God becomes small. If we focus on Christ, keeping our eyes disiplined and rightly directed, we are free to worship. We are free to live. yes, there will be suffering and things flying by us, but we will have found the person that can "keep us from falling" and will "do immeasuably more than we," in our shortsightedness, could hope or ask for. Then people will see the servant and want to know the master.