Ironically, I have been thinking so much about so many things. Mostly about God. My relationship with God and the deep tug I have felt towards Him recently. I have been trying to ask hard questions. I have been asking them, but I find that an entire summer has taught me that I have been less than unteachable: I have been a spiritual and intellectual snob that knows less than most. It is one of the most humiliating thoughts I have had in a long time. Sadly, all I can do is cry out to God and ask forgiveness for the mockery I have made of Him to those I live with and interact with. Do you want to see a Hypocrite? Look at me.
For the longest time I thought that I was above sin. I was a good Christian kid that did things well. I always have gotten in trouble for the things other people do, so I don't do anythings bad on my own. I heard it said before that one man, a "pagan" came to a knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ and an excited Co-worker congratulated him.I don't remember how the story fully went, but it ended that the man who just had recieved Christ told the other man, a "devout" Christian, that the devout Christian was the one reason he hadn't pursued God before.
I am realizing that I am the reason I have not pursued God more. I am both men. I have thought that my status as a "good Kid" meant that I was above sin. I really didn't think I was evil or that i had a sinful nature. I could make it by on my own. In a relgion based on grace, "perfection" makes no need for a savior. My arrogance... It astounds even me.
I have been pouring over Romans and reading Confession by St. Augustine. Augustine has pierced me to the heart several times. I find myself relating far too much (except not when it comes to being wise, and catching things quickly with my intellect, and being a scholar, and... so only a little). I only want to share one passage, then off to bed.
"In Rome, I joined the same "holy ones" who were decieved and were decieving others. I fell ill and convalesced in a home of one of the disciples of this group. But I went beyond even discipleship and entered the inner circle, who called themselves "the elect". I still believed that it is not we personally who sin. Rather, I wanted to believe that a foreign force of evil sins in us. That pleased my pride because then I was not responsible. If I did something evil, I didn't have to admit that I had done anything wrong. You [God] would heal my soul because some "it" over which I had no control was responsible. I loved to excuse myself and to accuse some other mysterious " thing" inside me that was disconnected from the real me. In truth it was wholly me and my wicked heart that divided me from myself. My sin was all the more hopeless because I did not judge myself to have any guilt.
What an abominable sinner I was. I wold rather have lordship over You, O God Almighty, even if it meant my ultimate destruction, than depend upon You for salvation. You had not yet put your guard on my mouth to lock my lips. I continued to say wicked things and try to justify myself so that I wouldn't have to face the guilt of my sins.
That is the way with those who live in sin. And I was one of their "elect"."
I have been such a blind fool for so long. It tears right to my core to know that I could sign my name to St. Augustine's Confession and be completely honest. I came to Asbury, found myself holy in my own eyes, in others, and lost all freedom to see You O Lord. To all those I have been arrogant, uncharitable, and condescending too, I beg your forgiveness. I really have had no Idea what I have been talking about. I can gladly say I am a new man. But I have a hard time surrendering the mockery and shame and destruction I have left on those innocent around me...
Thank God for Grace. Now I am beginging to know what it is and why I need it so desperately.
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