So, overwhelmed seems to be the word of choice for me right now. Yet, I know God has a purpose for all of the things that are being brought into and taken out of my life. I find it increasingly hard to keep my gaze Christ-ward when I focus on all the deadlines and inadequecies that I have in my life. "Set your eyes on things above..."

" Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall.
Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.
Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely til the sun goes down.
And that is all that life really is."
_ R.L. Stevenson

Thanks be to God that I can be "anyone"... His Child.

I want a Broken Heart....

I’ve got faith in the bank and money in my heart
i’ve got a calloused place where your ring used to be, my love
i’ve traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies

i thought the cattle on a thousand hills
was not enough to pay my bills
and i fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now i want a broken heart

now there’s a great pad lock
on the place where i was free
and i’m feeling bad from swallowing that key
now i work real hard but i mostly call in sick
of a broken back from the ground fighting back at me

i cannot look you in the eye
so i check the knots on my disguise
‘cause i fell in love with fashion in the dark
and now i want a broken heart

i’ve got alibis for every crime
a substitute to do my time
‘cause Your heart breaks enough on both our parts
so now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
-Derek Webb

Hmm...

The Joy of the Lord is my strength. Have you ever stopped to think about that? The past two day, well, they were not so good. But last night, and today, I cried out so hard. I prayed so hard about God's work at Asbury and in my life, and while I felt so horribly sick and tired, the love and Joy of the Lord overwhelmed me. Even though I feel pretty crappy, customers at work commented on my smile and "happiness" and one of the pastors that has come in knew my name well before I thought he should (first day). I wanted to tell those people it is the joy of the Lord, and if I am asked again, I think that will be my answer. I could list all of the things that are off in my life...things that could be better, but they don't really seem to matter. I know it is God. It is not me. I am amazed. The joy of the Lord is my strength....

Joy...

"Yes, it does make a difference where a man finds joy."
St. Augustine

What is a "Good Confession"?

A defense I have often used has been something along the lines of, "I am preaching the Gospel and only using words when necessary." I have been a covert Christian and hidden behind that in comfort. While reading, the idea of a confession of faith was clarified to me. When we think about our current system of baptism and spirituality in general, the American Church seems to fall short. In Rome, a confession of faith was a quite public thing. Religion has fallen in the realm of the private here, but then, a confession was a public confirmation and spoken declaration of ones belief in Jesus as the Christ. The Apostles Creed is the most notable example of such a proclamation:

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:
And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:
Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:
The third day he rose again from the dead:
He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:
From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:
I believe in the Holy Ghost:
I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:
The forgiveness of sins:
The resurrection of the body (or flesh):
And the life everlasting. Amen.

Such a proclamation creates an open identification of the believer with the life, death, resurrection, and sufferings of Christ. I think of my baptism and know that I was baptized in basically a private setting: a pond with close Christian friends. While that is part of the purpose, I wonder if I somehow missed what is at the heart of the issues. Most Christians in the Roman context incurred immediate persecution and I went along with my daily life unchanged. Perceptions unaltered. Hidden and sadly unchanged. My "good and beautiful confession" has been tempered by fear of public opinion and fallen into the shadows. And as such, the confession of those in countries in which persecution is a way of life makes their confession all that much more of a confession. Mine has only been a footnote to my life... and for that I feel some shame.

I am not bashing American Christians by any means. I am just raising the question: Why do I treat my salvation as a footnote to myself when I introduce myself? Why do I apologize to those around me and make allowances such as "I know you might not understand...", "it may seem weird to you...", or "I know this may be uncomfortable, but..."? It leads me to beg for forgiveness from my fear of those around me when my family prays in public. My reluctance to associate in public. I see this as a general American trend as well.

In Confessions, Augustine tells the story of a Roman, Victorinus, who claimed Christ in private, but would not identify with the Church in public. One of the Church fathers would not believe the confession of Victorinus until he made a public confession and stood with the church. To this, Victorinus would reply, "Do walls then make Christians?" In our culture of "acceptance", I find that my response has been the same as Victorinus to those that ask for a genuine stand.... Except, I don't feel that I have been asked for a genuine stand.

Underneath all of this, is my desire for relationship with Christ. There are several passages that talk about leaving all things, counting all things loss, leaving those we love for the sake of Christ, and the loss of our life to gain Christ.

My heart's cry is to be found in Christ and live a life that draws all around me to the reality of relationship with Christ. I want to find a way to have a public Confession.

A lot of thought ...

Ironically, I have been thinking so much about so many things. Mostly about God. My relationship with God and the deep tug I have felt towards Him recently. I have been trying to ask hard questions. I have been asking them, but I find that an entire summer has taught me that I have been less than unteachable: I have been a spiritual and intellectual snob that knows less than most. It is one of the most humiliating thoughts I have had in a long time. Sadly, all I can do is cry out to God and ask forgiveness for the mockery I have made of Him to those I live with and interact with. Do you want to see a Hypocrite? Look at me.

For the longest time I thought that I was above sin. I was a good Christian kid that did things well. I always have gotten in trouble for the things other people do, so I don't do anythings bad on my own. I heard it said before that one man, a "pagan" came to a knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ and an excited Co-worker congratulated him.I don't remember how the story fully went, but it ended that the man who just had recieved Christ told the other man, a "devout" Christian, that the devout Christian was the one reason he hadn't pursued God before.

I am realizing that I am the reason I have not pursued God more. I am both men. I have thought that my status as a "good Kid" meant that I was above sin. I really didn't think I was evil or that i had a sinful nature. I could make it by on my own. In a relgion based on grace, "perfection" makes no need for a savior. My arrogance... It astounds even me.

I have been pouring over Romans and reading Confession by St. Augustine. Augustine has pierced me to the heart several times. I find myself relating far too much (except not when it comes to being wise, and catching things quickly with my intellect, and being a scholar, and... so only a little). I only want to share one passage, then off to bed.
"In Rome, I joined the same "holy ones" who were decieved and were decieving others. I fell ill and convalesced in a home of one of the disciples of this group. But I went beyond even discipleship and entered the inner circle, who called themselves "the elect". I still believed that it is not we personally who sin. Rather, I wanted to believe that a foreign force of evil sins in us. That pleased my pride because then I was not responsible. If I did something evil, I didn't have to admit that I had done anything wrong. You [God] would heal my soul because some "it" over which I had no control was responsible. I loved to excuse myself and to accuse some other mysterious " thing" inside me that was disconnected from the real me. In truth it was wholly me and my wicked heart that divided me from myself. My sin was all the more hopeless because I did not judge myself to have any guilt.
What an abominable sinner I was. I wold rather have lordship over You, O God Almighty, even if it meant my ultimate destruction, than depend upon You for salvation. You had not yet put your guard on my mouth to lock my lips. I continued to say wicked things and try to justify myself so that I wouldn't have to face the guilt of my sins.
That is the way with those who live in sin. And I was one of their "elect"."

I have been such a blind fool for so long. It tears right to my core to know that I could sign my name to St. Augustine's Confession and be completely honest. I came to Asbury, found myself holy in my own eyes, in others, and lost all freedom to see You O Lord. To all those I have been arrogant, uncharitable, and condescending too, I beg your forgiveness. I really have had no Idea what I have been talking about. I can gladly say I am a new man. But I have a hard time surrendering the mockery and shame and destruction I have left on those innocent around me...
Thank God for Grace. Now I am beginging to know what it is and why I need it so desperately.

from the woods...well more like a coffee shop

The summer has been amazing thus far. God has blown my mind and I have loved climbing, camping, white water canoeing/rafting, and hiking all summer. So many stories to tell...
But a fun side note. some of the rafting guides told me to put in an application. hah. I was flattered. Sorta shocked, but I can kinda compete with them on the river.
Thought:
First John says that God's commands are not burdensome. Why? I will let you know sometime soon...look in Ephesians.

For now...I am headed off once more into the woods to work on improving my hard PFD tanlines. Go big.

Reading. This summer:

The Picture of Dorian Gray:
Amazing. Not for everyone, maybe even bad for some types to read, but very convicting and very interesting.

The Great Divorce:
Well done, quick read, deep questions raised.

Reading...

Velvet Elvis: Solid so far. Blows Blue Like Jazz away. I highly recommend so far.

Your God is Too Small: Shocker and small. Really good to look at who you think "god" is.

Invivsilbe Children Article from Washington Post

A Child's Hell In the LRA

Invitation to the Thirsty

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.

Being broke tired and ready to be understood I have had nothing left. I have messed up so much in the realms of friendships. Love. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to accept it. I am indeed thirsty. I am hungry. Recently my philosophy has come up empty. I have wanted to come on my terms and failed miserably. I have forgotten that my terms have never counted in the invitation is free... Relational aspects that I ignored have been the point I have missed.

Isaiah 58

True Fasting

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.

2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'
"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.

4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness ^[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

So this call to seek God in serving others. Forgiveness for so much shallow talk. To pour ourselves our for those in need. AoA. IC. It has a cost. Comfort. Oh I want comfort. But I want the call to be so much more than my thought of the cost.

[blank]

GNC and duct tape...

Thanks to all of you who stuck it out in the rain last night. I taked to at least twenty passer-bys that had no clue what was going on in Northern Uganda. I haven't seen anything on the news. I think that we are being eclipsed by the immigrant protest/walkout threatened tomorrow. Oh well.

Oh, strange but true:
Duct tape can rip off lip skin. Don't hold it in your mouth like you would normal tape. I answered questions for a group of curious people after ripping a chunk of skin off of my lips. I think it is both funny and sick. I asked for them to excuse my bleeding...they did.

Have a great day all.

More...

Recently the more I have looked at myself and actually pealed back the layers of my colloused past three years I am at the realization that I truly need a savior. I guess broken is a good miserable place to be. I can't stand how blind I have been. It continues to be painful to know that certain parables are directed right at me. he gives sight to the blind and I need it before I make bigger messes.
I am just blown away and the rain that we have been experienceing seems to be how conviction has hit me recently, hard. It refreshes, but leaves me cold. I have had a fog...a cloudy haze that smells like rain in my life and now I know why. I'd love a good cigar and I miss the peace... I know this is getting muddled.
This is where I so long to hear: "arise shine for the light of His glory shines now upon you." Redemption and conviction take different forms than I would expect...I need to work on my expectations. I am so happy that I can fall into a grace that forgives, but I need the courage to obey. Grace has a deep cost and I never want to cheapen it by my stupidity.

Hey all....Invisible Children on Oprah today at four. Watch it. We have a central location for the commute and security clearance to park. If you have questions give me a call or toss out a note.

B.O.

After working out there is always that question: "Do I stink, or did my deodorant work?" I think it is really funny that I can sniff around and try to find out who it is in my group that stinks. Sometimes I find out, in a horrific realization, that it is me. I am the stinker. Closely related to that. Sometimes we can't smell our own B.O. It's an odd phenomenon. It's an even more odd line of thought, but stick with me. We can recognize someone else's stench, but be completely oblivious to our own.
So a random thought... but in my mind this is where it leads. I think the B.O. of humanity is hypocrisy. It has a uniquely repulsive odor about it. We can recognize it anywhere. I really don't like having to deal with people suffering from it, but like my B.O. example, sometimes I smell a stench that I can't locate. Sometimes I even become oblivious to my own odor. Recently I have been such an oblivious hypocrite. Really rank and I had no idea how bad I was. Just like trying to keep genuinely interested in a conversation with someone that smells horribly, I also have an aversion to words, however true they are, spoken out of hyporisy. So often ,after a history of an action, it is almost impossible to get the scent impression out of your mind. Here is my confession of social B.O. I am not proud of...I can't be. I ask your forgiveness. I know you most likely won't be able to forget it. It scars the memory. But that's my stench and I am resposible for making you uncomfortable...

Thought and Rocktown pics...of me...vanity....

"That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking the other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in."
-C.S. Lewis

Invisible Children...

Last night's showing surprised me. I expected 200 people at best. We has closer to 500. It was amazing to see all that work come to fruition. The question always remains, "What now?" I have to get back to work... But thanks to all who came. You shocked me. Thanks also to Garren, Joe, Sarah, and Michelle. You guys were fun to get to know... good luck as you wrap things up.

Doubting Thomas... and Faith... life.

"Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die
Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted ..."

So in this whole philosophy thing, I have always been terrified that what I have based my life around could be proven false. It's an interesting thing to feel at times that life is built around a house of cards that a single philosophical delima could bring it down. I guess I am now at the point that I am fairly confident in the reality of Christ. I have doubted and questioned and had so many fits to try and get my way. I have tried to prove it false for so long. It is quite ironic to try to disprove something when the one thing I want is for Christ to be truth. That reality would be too good for it to be true. Wouldn't it?
I have gotten used to not holding my breath. A while back I wrote that I had nothing to say, but that I wanted too. It was like a birthing process (although i am not sure how much I can own or appreciate the analogy). I have been dealing with Kant and Hegel in Modern and as many questions as they have raised which cause many theologians to hate them, I find some serious comfort in what they have said. Kant really helped to cement (or at least bring hope) to some issues I have had. In many ways he is a doubter's philosopher. I never wanted to be a clone or one of the faceless conservative mob. I have never liked a label. As many, I thought that acceptance of Christ means the rejection of an identity and the theft of personality.
I guess I can say that I have finally come to the place that God, in the reality of Christ, is an almost unquestionable reality. As I have said I wared against it for so long. I have attacked the weaknesses and come back defeated. It is a good place.
Now, instead of the loss of identity, Christ is actually the gaining of identity and the realization of personality for me. I have lived so long trying to please people or fit in. I have been lost in the futile attempt to be"like that". It hurts and is so painful to attempt. In Christ I have the freedom to be the more honest and sincere than anywhere else. It is not easy. So many causes and people vie for my heart, so many ideas wrestle for my mind. It all boils down to obedience faith and having the courage to act on both. In some ways it is a fight, an act of will, to overcome everything that screams, "NO!". But it is rewarding and freedom...and freedom is worth fighting for. The thought that I could, can , and have been used blows my mind.

So silence has become me recently. It is not that I don't have things on my mind or ideas that are bursting to be relesed.

Blank and ignorant... SOmetimes I realize too late what a dumb kid I am. So far to go and it is not even funny.

Being salt and light...maybe even arrested.

So usually I have tame Friday nights. Irony of inronies the normal suspects were out of town this weekend. This meant that I got to catch up with some friends I haven't been able to hang out with. So a group of us went to the mall in Lexington, I am proud to admit I haven't set foot in one since Christmas, and then went to Common Grounds for the evening. We laughed about how homeless people always find me and hang out with me. Then we sit and have long talks and they give me some pretty sweet advice. Well, one of the musicians supposed to play cancelled, so rather than spend an hour or two sitting and waiting for the other guy to come to play we went to our favorite health code violation Chinese place.

I am broke and debated on getting the General Tso's or not. But, why not? So I bought it and made small talk with the guy at the cash register. He asked if I wanted the value meal and somehow we talked about happy meals... (random note: I love chopsticks).

After we got our food, we wanted to find a place to eat it. We drove for a while trying to find a place to park and a place inside because it had gotten cold. We finally settled down to eat, but they put too much Chicken in my to-go box. My General Tso's sause spilled on my leg and I was fairly frustrated fom that, but as I ate I became full. Anyone who has seem me eat Thai or Chinese knows that is very rare, but I couldn't finish, or even come close. A minute after I commented to the group that I couldn't eat any more a man who was down on his luck and drunk walked in. It's funny when you know why things happened and what is supposed to be done. So seemed only right to give Larry (the guy who walked in) my chicken. He told us his life story. and gave us a piece of gum. And then we needed to go. He asked for a dollar for bus-fare and I was going to give him some more change, but he only accepted the dollar.

God always blows my mind with things like that. I am so blessed. I understand more why Jesus spent time with the poor and rejected. Love takes many forms and just listening to a life story. So often walking around a city can be a weird process. Life has all of its most raw aspects laid bare in front of oyu if you dare to look. Being salt and light doesn't always mean standing on a soapbox, but rather sitting on the ground. The more I read about Jesus the more I am amazed.

We ended the night at Common Grounds, left about 45 minutes after the last set had finished, and attempted to get back in time for curfew. Well, we were pulled over and spent about 40 minutes with the wilmore Police department. I wasn't friving, but two of us apparently look like we "have fun" to the officers. After threats of arrests and K-9 unit searches, they decided tto give us a break. I need to remember about the beard before I fly again... dress up. Even though we were late, God is good. It just gave me an opportunity to leave some fun messages for Josiah.