Reading. This summer:

The Picture of Dorian Gray:
Amazing. Not for everyone, maybe even bad for some types to read, but very convicting and very interesting.

The Great Divorce:
Well done, quick read, deep questions raised.

Reading...

Velvet Elvis: Solid so far. Blows Blue Like Jazz away. I highly recommend so far.

Your God is Too Small: Shocker and small. Really good to look at who you think "god" is.

Invivsilbe Children Article from Washington Post

A Child's Hell In the LRA

Invitation to the Thirsty

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.

Being broke tired and ready to be understood I have had nothing left. I have messed up so much in the realms of friendships. Love. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to accept it. I am indeed thirsty. I am hungry. Recently my philosophy has come up empty. I have wanted to come on my terms and failed miserably. I have forgotten that my terms have never counted in the invitation is free... Relational aspects that I ignored have been the point I have missed.

Isaiah 58

True Fasting

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.

2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'
"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.

4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness ^[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

So this call to seek God in serving others. Forgiveness for so much shallow talk. To pour ourselves our for those in need. AoA. IC. It has a cost. Comfort. Oh I want comfort. But I want the call to be so much more than my thought of the cost.

[blank]

GNC and duct tape...

Thanks to all of you who stuck it out in the rain last night. I taked to at least twenty passer-bys that had no clue what was going on in Northern Uganda. I haven't seen anything on the news. I think that we are being eclipsed by the immigrant protest/walkout threatened tomorrow. Oh well.

Oh, strange but true:
Duct tape can rip off lip skin. Don't hold it in your mouth like you would normal tape. I answered questions for a group of curious people after ripping a chunk of skin off of my lips. I think it is both funny and sick. I asked for them to excuse my bleeding...they did.

Have a great day all.

More...

Recently the more I have looked at myself and actually pealed back the layers of my colloused past three years I am at the realization that I truly need a savior. I guess broken is a good miserable place to be. I can't stand how blind I have been. It continues to be painful to know that certain parables are directed right at me. he gives sight to the blind and I need it before I make bigger messes.
I am just blown away and the rain that we have been experienceing seems to be how conviction has hit me recently, hard. It refreshes, but leaves me cold. I have had a fog...a cloudy haze that smells like rain in my life and now I know why. I'd love a good cigar and I miss the peace... I know this is getting muddled.
This is where I so long to hear: "arise shine for the light of His glory shines now upon you." Redemption and conviction take different forms than I would expect...I need to work on my expectations. I am so happy that I can fall into a grace that forgives, but I need the courage to obey. Grace has a deep cost and I never want to cheapen it by my stupidity.

Hey all....Invisible Children on Oprah today at four. Watch it. We have a central location for the commute and security clearance to park. If you have questions give me a call or toss out a note.

B.O.

After working out there is always that question: "Do I stink, or did my deodorant work?" I think it is really funny that I can sniff around and try to find out who it is in my group that stinks. Sometimes I find out, in a horrific realization, that it is me. I am the stinker. Closely related to that. Sometimes we can't smell our own B.O. It's an odd phenomenon. It's an even more odd line of thought, but stick with me. We can recognize someone else's stench, but be completely oblivious to our own.
So a random thought... but in my mind this is where it leads. I think the B.O. of humanity is hypocrisy. It has a uniquely repulsive odor about it. We can recognize it anywhere. I really don't like having to deal with people suffering from it, but like my B.O. example, sometimes I smell a stench that I can't locate. Sometimes I even become oblivious to my own odor. Recently I have been such an oblivious hypocrite. Really rank and I had no idea how bad I was. Just like trying to keep genuinely interested in a conversation with someone that smells horribly, I also have an aversion to words, however true they are, spoken out of hyporisy. So often ,after a history of an action, it is almost impossible to get the scent impression out of your mind. Here is my confession of social B.O. I am not proud of...I can't be. I ask your forgiveness. I know you most likely won't be able to forget it. It scars the memory. But that's my stench and I am resposible for making you uncomfortable...

Thought and Rocktown pics...of me...vanity....

"That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking the other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in."
-C.S. Lewis

Invisible Children...

Last night's showing surprised me. I expected 200 people at best. We has closer to 500. It was amazing to see all that work come to fruition. The question always remains, "What now?" I have to get back to work... But thanks to all who came. You shocked me. Thanks also to Garren, Joe, Sarah, and Michelle. You guys were fun to get to know... good luck as you wrap things up.

Doubting Thomas... and Faith... life.

"Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die
Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted ..."

So in this whole philosophy thing, I have always been terrified that what I have based my life around could be proven false. It's an interesting thing to feel at times that life is built around a house of cards that a single philosophical delima could bring it down. I guess I am now at the point that I am fairly confident in the reality of Christ. I have doubted and questioned and had so many fits to try and get my way. I have tried to prove it false for so long. It is quite ironic to try to disprove something when the one thing I want is for Christ to be truth. That reality would be too good for it to be true. Wouldn't it?
I have gotten used to not holding my breath. A while back I wrote that I had nothing to say, but that I wanted too. It was like a birthing process (although i am not sure how much I can own or appreciate the analogy). I have been dealing with Kant and Hegel in Modern and as many questions as they have raised which cause many theologians to hate them, I find some serious comfort in what they have said. Kant really helped to cement (or at least bring hope) to some issues I have had. In many ways he is a doubter's philosopher. I never wanted to be a clone or one of the faceless conservative mob. I have never liked a label. As many, I thought that acceptance of Christ means the rejection of an identity and the theft of personality.
I guess I can say that I have finally come to the place that God, in the reality of Christ, is an almost unquestionable reality. As I have said I wared against it for so long. I have attacked the weaknesses and come back defeated. It is a good place.
Now, instead of the loss of identity, Christ is actually the gaining of identity and the realization of personality for me. I have lived so long trying to please people or fit in. I have been lost in the futile attempt to be"like that". It hurts and is so painful to attempt. In Christ I have the freedom to be the more honest and sincere than anywhere else. It is not easy. So many causes and people vie for my heart, so many ideas wrestle for my mind. It all boils down to obedience faith and having the courage to act on both. In some ways it is a fight, an act of will, to overcome everything that screams, "NO!". But it is rewarding and freedom...and freedom is worth fighting for. The thought that I could, can , and have been used blows my mind.

So silence has become me recently. It is not that I don't have things on my mind or ideas that are bursting to be relesed.

Blank and ignorant... SOmetimes I realize too late what a dumb kid I am. So far to go and it is not even funny.

Being salt and light...maybe even arrested.

So usually I have tame Friday nights. Irony of inronies the normal suspects were out of town this weekend. This meant that I got to catch up with some friends I haven't been able to hang out with. So a group of us went to the mall in Lexington, I am proud to admit I haven't set foot in one since Christmas, and then went to Common Grounds for the evening. We laughed about how homeless people always find me and hang out with me. Then we sit and have long talks and they give me some pretty sweet advice. Well, one of the musicians supposed to play cancelled, so rather than spend an hour or two sitting and waiting for the other guy to come to play we went to our favorite health code violation Chinese place.

I am broke and debated on getting the General Tso's or not. But, why not? So I bought it and made small talk with the guy at the cash register. He asked if I wanted the value meal and somehow we talked about happy meals... (random note: I love chopsticks).

After we got our food, we wanted to find a place to eat it. We drove for a while trying to find a place to park and a place inside because it had gotten cold. We finally settled down to eat, but they put too much Chicken in my to-go box. My General Tso's sause spilled on my leg and I was fairly frustrated fom that, but as I ate I became full. Anyone who has seem me eat Thai or Chinese knows that is very rare, but I couldn't finish, or even come close. A minute after I commented to the group that I couldn't eat any more a man who was down on his luck and drunk walked in. It's funny when you know why things happened and what is supposed to be done. So seemed only right to give Larry (the guy who walked in) my chicken. He told us his life story. and gave us a piece of gum. And then we needed to go. He asked for a dollar for bus-fare and I was going to give him some more change, but he only accepted the dollar.

God always blows my mind with things like that. I am so blessed. I understand more why Jesus spent time with the poor and rejected. Love takes many forms and just listening to a life story. So often walking around a city can be a weird process. Life has all of its most raw aspects laid bare in front of oyu if you dare to look. Being salt and light doesn't always mean standing on a soapbox, but rather sitting on the ground. The more I read about Jesus the more I am amazed.

We ended the night at Common Grounds, left about 45 minutes after the last set had finished, and attempted to get back in time for curfew. Well, we were pulled over and spent about 40 minutes with the wilmore Police department. I wasn't friving, but two of us apparently look like we "have fun" to the officers. After threats of arrests and K-9 unit searches, they decided tto give us a break. I need to remember about the beard before I fly again... dress up. Even though we were late, God is good. It just gave me an opportunity to leave some fun messages for Josiah.

"It is a sin to bore anyone with the Gospel."

"I can see now I never really committed... I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments. " (High Fidelity)

I find it interesting how often commitment has been a dirty word to me. I like having control. I'll be honest. I like to be in control, but I don't want the responsibility when the blame is getting dished out. I like to live vicariously thorugh people and organize their actions and watch the success. Then i become frustrated because it is my idea that is getting someont else credit. Well, that is some real insecurity isn't it?

Things are changing for me. I am tired of being passive, and there are some things in life that you cannot just sit on someone else's coat-tails for. Good gets in the way of the best. Pain happens too. People say that nothing of value comes for free or doesn't have a price that must be paid. In the midst of calls to "settle" and to "just accept things", I can't help but think that that is wrong.

While I am not quite certain where I supposed to be, God has been revealing some new passions that I did not know I had. Regardless of where I am headed, I can't help but feel that God never calls us to settle! He calls us to FOLLOW. Paul shows a zeal to keeep moving forward. There are many examples, but one of the most clear for me is in Philippians:

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I guess being a (former) athlete brings this into perspective. So often I wanted to quit. When I hurt I wanted to give up so badly. If I give up I become less than mediocre.

To commit...

I feel it so much today. So battered. It is interesting how I want to grow, but tend to hate the pain involved. All I want is not what I need:

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

hmmm.

Yeah. This is a dorm room. Just thought I would let you know. It makes me laugh.

Aquinas....

So in Aquinas the other day, we got into a friendly debate over the things necessary for happiness. One of the questions in his Treatise on Happiness is, " Are friends necessary for hapiness?". I sharply disagreed with Aquinas in class. He says that there are two types of happiness: perfect and imperfect. For imperfect happines it seems as though friends are required, but he concludes that the combination of God and one person creates all that is needed.

Of course, several of us tried to take down Saint Thomas. We argued that if an was in a vacuum this would be fine, but man is relational. We cannot fathom only God. God said it was "not good" for man to be alone in Genesis. We talked about how even hermits interact with people occasionally and that isolation is not good for people. Some students brought up the monastic orders and pointed out how men separate themselves from the world, but we instantly rebuted them saying that they at least lived in a community of like minded monks.

I have been thinking for a while today, a week later, about my resonse on this question. I was confusing the ideal with the actual. I was trasnfering my frustration for God not being sufficient for me as an excuse to shoot down Aquinas. Like I wrote a while back, we are beings that live a life of reaction. I reacted to my prof's high view of Aquinas and my own spiritual frustration.

I see friends as a necessity because of my overdependance on them. I do not like being alone. What is alone? Humorous, is it not? William Wadsworth wrote, "The World is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste to our powers". If we were to remove our dependance on the friends that fail, and then to place it in the one who created them, how would we live? We are such needy people. Such helpless children. And this is where friends help to balance us out. I believe that friends are necessary, but should not be our aim. I think that the ideal would be great, but due to our fallen nature we are unable to completely attain the ideal. Most of the practical things that I have learned about God i have learned through my friends.

"He asks too much to whom God is not sufficient."

“He is an exceedingly covetous fellow to whom God is not sufficient; and he is an exceeding fool to whom the world is sufficient. For God is all inexhaustible treasury of all riches, sufficing innumerable men; while the world has mere trifles and fascinations to offer, and leads the soul into deep and sorrowful poverty.”

Reactions...

I watched chapel today. Snug in my room. I had just gotten out of the shower, having overslept. I woke up miserably seeking God. Feeling empty. Apparently I was not seeking God, but my comfort. I always want to feel his peace, but not His unsettling movement in my life. I just couldn't get over myself...

So I have been realizing how selfish I am and focusing on that. I have been using myself to hide from God. You know when you hold your hand up really close to your eye, you can blot out something so much bigger (even squish a head ot two). Well I have in a sense been squishing God. I have kept God at an arm's length and stared at what I consider bad in my life instead of praising Him for what is good in my life. I have been so busy telling God what I think that he should do in my life instead of actually listening and hearing what He has called me to do.

I stopped and listened. All I could hear was my own thoughts and the chaos that I have let them hold in my life. Such loud silence. Thoughts jumbled and crashing into each other. I wish I could blame it on ADD. This will come to a point soon...trust me.

Image:
When you fly or travel, sometimes people focus too close to their vehicle. SO much movement and lack of control. Lack of direction. This can cause motion sickness. Or try a slack line. If you focus exactly on what you are doing (each step and shift of the webbing) you will lose your balance. In both instances you need to look intently at something farther or bigger than yourself. You must pick a point and dedicate your eyes to being fixed on it. This give a perspective that balances out the instability. I think this is how it is in our inner life. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful man, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Basically, my conclusion is this:

If we focus on ourselves, our world falls into chaos, our dreams become empty and void of life, and our God becomes small. If we focus on Christ, keeping our eyes disiplined and rightly directed, we are free to worship. We are free to live. yes, there will be suffering and things flying by us, but we will have found the person that can "keep us from falling" and will "do immeasuably more than we," in our shortsightedness, could hope or ask for. Then people will see the servant and want to know the master.

"...stop asking God to bless what you’re doing.

Get involved in what God is doing—because it’s already blessed."