Bricks...

I got hit with a brick. Literally. My boss, who is like a brother to me, well, we were on a fun run (jumping on rocks through creeks, climbing walls, running on/over downed trees on our property) and we toss rocks/logs back and forth to work our upper body at the same time. Really, it is "grown-up" play-time while getting a hard cardio workout at the same time. Kids have it right. Get out in the woods and run hard and laugh hard. For us it generally involves a lot of laughing and is humorous to watch other people. I had a particularly hard time jumping a wall/sign. Well, Dailey, which is his name, tossed a brick, because that is what we were tossing at the time, to me, at the same moment that I stumbled over a rock. I caught the brick, but not quite soon enough. It had enough momentum to hit me in the teeth as well. Kinda funny huh? I will say, that I stopped for a minute, spit out the tiny chips of enamel and finished the run. Gotta man up, you know? Can't let a brick stop you.

Conclusion: Apparently, I can't play dodge ball, because I can't dodge a brick. "If you can't dodge a brick, you can't dodge a ball."

Greg Laswell

Who would've ever known it could be this easy
Oh, I was a long, long way off
And just like that it's over
Everything that I knew of love
I was a long, long way off

And I think I like how the day sounds
Like how the day sounds through this new song

Thank you for opening the window
The sky is clear as my mind is now
I was a long, long way off
Join me in welcoming the sun in
It's much brighter than the night I hid in
I was a long, long way off

And I think I like how the day sounds
Like how the day sounds through this new song

From a long way down
Yeah, it's well worth the time that it's taken to get here now
Yeah, it's well worth the time that it's taken to get here now

So go ahead and bang a gong
Nothing can drown out the sound of the whisper of my love

And I think I like how the day sounds through this new song

And the lines have all been drawn
I know where I belong, where I belong
Oh, won't you sing along?
Oh my love, won't you sing along?

A quote to think about...

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

It's funny when I allow passion for life/God be stollen from me, as though it is someone else's doing. Now I am begining to feel again and be purposeful about it. Try things I never had, and more forward in passion...

Another thought:

I realized that If a perfect God forgives me for what I can't seem to forgive myself, who am I not to live in His forgiveness? To hang on would mean that I downplay the character (specifically: Righteousness, Holiness, Justice, Mercy... well, the list goes on) of God and then claim my past as more important than what is immediately before me.

BE HERE NOW.

The End... Is a process.

I am now at the place where I desire the best
And for her to have a future
I wasn't there for a long time
And I won't be there to come...





"So when God casts us down, we must be content to lie til God bids us to stand up, and God's Spirit enters us to enable us to stand up."

J. Burroughs "The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment"

...named Ephraim and said, "It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering."

In this world of news, I've found nothing new
I've found nothing pure
Maybe I'm just idealistic to assume that truth
Could be fact and form
That love could be a verb
Maybe I'm just a little misinformed

As the dead moon rises, and the freeways sigh
Let the trains watch over the tides and the mist
Spinning circles in our skies tonight
Let the trucks roll in from Los Angeles
Maybe our stars are unanimously tired

Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your eyes
All of my world hanging on your love

Let the wars begin, let my strength wear thin
Let my fingers crack, let my world fall apart
Train the monkeys on my back to fight
Let it start tonight
When my world explodes, when my stars touch the ground
Falling down like broken satellites

Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down
Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud
Fury and thunder clap like stealing the fire from your skies
All that i am hanging on, all of my world resting on your love

-jon foreman

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
5 The LORD watches over you—
the LORD is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
8 the LORD will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Sometimes I am left just begging to touch the edge of His cloak.

It arrives

Come thou long expected number
a date
a life to be

it arrives
and drives home the realization
my time has not yet come

two hearts cleaved

I do
not see the expected number
one

drift into a new morning
slip into a new dream
a future
tethered no longer
bound to You
Free and clearly looking for the next step...

Just a breeze to clear the fog would set my heart at rest, Father.
At rest.

Ampersand

dates and symbols
special days used to evade
and now
still
stoic
monuments
another twenty-four hours
a mockery a moment and a dream
An ampersand
stands
alone
Without a purpose
Without the pair to link


And kayaking was wonderful. I know. I can't leave it on a downer. I found a new hobby and am fairly decent at it. Farewell paycheck... It has been the first really joy-filled hours in which I have lost myself, pushed myself, and ironically not thought about myself in a couple months. Thank God for water and plastic and friends to enjoy them with and helmets. Geez Heather....

"Now I want you to know, brothers, what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel.' And to that cling. He redeems our mess and brings us to Himself. Hope. Hope. Hope. "Lord, please take me to the place where our dreams are set in stone."

I guess I will resurrect this beast.

New life. So here it is. I have stepped into a position that I never expected to hold. I had dinner tonight with my fellow laborers tonight. A wild turkey we cooks and I made the short walk from my room in the hotel to the house we were eating at. In that home pictures tied to memories in my youth stared back at me. It has always been a sadness of sorts knowing certain things will not be and that I have had to fully surrender them. Yet I fight to hold onto what I cannot and what (at this point) can never be (notice how I even now place a caveat to the statement of an absolute). If only it was known why I let it go...
While my thoughts lept there, you must understand that I do not live in those. It is no life at all to be stuck in a past or a future that migh be. We are made to live inbetween. The present. Certainly we must learn our lessons from the past (but we are to forget some of things because He is going to do a new work). Hope for the future (but not place our trust in it}. But above all our eyes should be focused in the person of Christ and through Him the task at hand.

It was an amazing night of fun, food and true fellowship. While I momentarily wished for a natural addition to our number, I left tonight feeling so truly blessed and I know that this place is home. These are the people I will live with and work for and while it is so very new, I have the peace of knowing that it is home and where I am supposed to be.

" Those who cling to worthless idols for forfeit the grace that could be theirs."
Jonah 2:8

Something new and odd....

So I let a friend in. Just opened some locked, barred and isolated doors to my past. Ironically, I have never felt more alone than I did today.


My dreams have become seeming illusions and faded unexpectedly.
All evaporates, yet one thing remains.
For that one thing I am overwhelmed and thankful...

The Price of the Vision

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord . . ."

—Isaiah 6:1

"Our soul’s personal history with God is often an account of the death of our heroes. Over and over again God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged. Let me think about this personally— when the person died who represented for me all that God was, did I give up on everything in life? Did I become ill or disheartened? Or did I do as Isaiah did and see the Lord?

My vision of God is dependent upon the condition of my character. My character determines whether or not truth can even be revealed to me. Before I can say, "I saw the Lord," there must be something in my character that conforms to the likeness of God. Until I am born again and really begin to see the kingdom of God, I only see from the perspective of my own biases. What I need is God’s surgical procedure— His use of external circumstances to bring about internal purification.

Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third, until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account whatsoever. Your prayer will then be, "In all the world there is no one but You, dear God; there is no one but You."

Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision."

Sometimes I just long to tell the people I am closest to what is going on. But they are gone in one way or another. It is a call to Christ for me and I am not the most excited about how lonely the call can be, but I must surrender to that call. Even those I care for.

"We go to the best photographer to hide all the scars..."
I have been thinking about what makes my life different right now. I believe my scars don't have to be hidden now. I have played that game. I think I am fairly done with it. That doesn't mean that I tell everyone every scar, but that I know my wounds have been healed and that these scars are markers and reminders of the faithfulness of God.
Hosea has been a convicting read for me.
Indeed, my "loyalty [has been] like a morning cloud and like the dew which goes away early." My desire is to return. Not to make other gods...

So, overwhelmed seems to be the word of choice for me right now. Yet, I know God has a purpose for all of the things that are being brought into and taken out of my life. I find it increasingly hard to keep my gaze Christ-ward when I focus on all the deadlines and inadequecies that I have in my life. "Set your eyes on things above..."

" Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall.
Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.
Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely til the sun goes down.
And that is all that life really is."
_ R.L. Stevenson

Thanks be to God that I can be "anyone"... His Child.

I want a Broken Heart....

I’ve got faith in the bank and money in my heart
i’ve got a calloused place where your ring used to be, my love
i’ve traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies

i thought the cattle on a thousand hills
was not enough to pay my bills
and i fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now i want a broken heart

now there’s a great pad lock
on the place where i was free
and i’m feeling bad from swallowing that key
now i work real hard but i mostly call in sick
of a broken back from the ground fighting back at me

i cannot look you in the eye
so i check the knots on my disguise
‘cause i fell in love with fashion in the dark
and now i want a broken heart

i’ve got alibis for every crime
a substitute to do my time
‘cause Your heart breaks enough on both our parts
so now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
-Derek Webb

Hmm...

The Joy of the Lord is my strength. Have you ever stopped to think about that? The past two day, well, they were not so good. But last night, and today, I cried out so hard. I prayed so hard about God's work at Asbury and in my life, and while I felt so horribly sick and tired, the love and Joy of the Lord overwhelmed me. Even though I feel pretty crappy, customers at work commented on my smile and "happiness" and one of the pastors that has come in knew my name well before I thought he should (first day). I wanted to tell those people it is the joy of the Lord, and if I am asked again, I think that will be my answer. I could list all of the things that are off in my life...things that could be better, but they don't really seem to matter. I know it is God. It is not me. I am amazed. The joy of the Lord is my strength....

Joy...

"Yes, it does make a difference where a man finds joy."
St. Augustine

What is a "Good Confession"?

A defense I have often used has been something along the lines of, "I am preaching the Gospel and only using words when necessary." I have been a covert Christian and hidden behind that in comfort. While reading, the idea of a confession of faith was clarified to me. When we think about our current system of baptism and spirituality in general, the American Church seems to fall short. In Rome, a confession of faith was a quite public thing. Religion has fallen in the realm of the private here, but then, a confession was a public confirmation and spoken declaration of ones belief in Jesus as the Christ. The Apostles Creed is the most notable example of such a proclamation:

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:
And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:
Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:
The third day he rose again from the dead:
He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:
From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:
I believe in the Holy Ghost:
I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:
The forgiveness of sins:
The resurrection of the body (or flesh):
And the life everlasting. Amen.

Such a proclamation creates an open identification of the believer with the life, death, resurrection, and sufferings of Christ. I think of my baptism and know that I was baptized in basically a private setting: a pond with close Christian friends. While that is part of the purpose, I wonder if I somehow missed what is at the heart of the issues. Most Christians in the Roman context incurred immediate persecution and I went along with my daily life unchanged. Perceptions unaltered. Hidden and sadly unchanged. My "good and beautiful confession" has been tempered by fear of public opinion and fallen into the shadows. And as such, the confession of those in countries in which persecution is a way of life makes their confession all that much more of a confession. Mine has only been a footnote to my life... and for that I feel some shame.

I am not bashing American Christians by any means. I am just raising the question: Why do I treat my salvation as a footnote to myself when I introduce myself? Why do I apologize to those around me and make allowances such as "I know you might not understand...", "it may seem weird to you...", or "I know this may be uncomfortable, but..."? It leads me to beg for forgiveness from my fear of those around me when my family prays in public. My reluctance to associate in public. I see this as a general American trend as well.

In Confessions, Augustine tells the story of a Roman, Victorinus, who claimed Christ in private, but would not identify with the Church in public. One of the Church fathers would not believe the confession of Victorinus until he made a public confession and stood with the church. To this, Victorinus would reply, "Do walls then make Christians?" In our culture of "acceptance", I find that my response has been the same as Victorinus to those that ask for a genuine stand.... Except, I don't feel that I have been asked for a genuine stand.

Underneath all of this, is my desire for relationship with Christ. There are several passages that talk about leaving all things, counting all things loss, leaving those we love for the sake of Christ, and the loss of our life to gain Christ.

My heart's cry is to be found in Christ and live a life that draws all around me to the reality of relationship with Christ. I want to find a way to have a public Confession.

A lot of thought ...

Ironically, I have been thinking so much about so many things. Mostly about God. My relationship with God and the deep tug I have felt towards Him recently. I have been trying to ask hard questions. I have been asking them, but I find that an entire summer has taught me that I have been less than unteachable: I have been a spiritual and intellectual snob that knows less than most. It is one of the most humiliating thoughts I have had in a long time. Sadly, all I can do is cry out to God and ask forgiveness for the mockery I have made of Him to those I live with and interact with. Do you want to see a Hypocrite? Look at me.

For the longest time I thought that I was above sin. I was a good Christian kid that did things well. I always have gotten in trouble for the things other people do, so I don't do anythings bad on my own. I heard it said before that one man, a "pagan" came to a knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ and an excited Co-worker congratulated him.I don't remember how the story fully went, but it ended that the man who just had recieved Christ told the other man, a "devout" Christian, that the devout Christian was the one reason he hadn't pursued God before.

I am realizing that I am the reason I have not pursued God more. I am both men. I have thought that my status as a "good Kid" meant that I was above sin. I really didn't think I was evil or that i had a sinful nature. I could make it by on my own. In a relgion based on grace, "perfection" makes no need for a savior. My arrogance... It astounds even me.

I have been pouring over Romans and reading Confession by St. Augustine. Augustine has pierced me to the heart several times. I find myself relating far too much (except not when it comes to being wise, and catching things quickly with my intellect, and being a scholar, and... so only a little). I only want to share one passage, then off to bed.
"In Rome, I joined the same "holy ones" who were decieved and were decieving others. I fell ill and convalesced in a home of one of the disciples of this group. But I went beyond even discipleship and entered the inner circle, who called themselves "the elect". I still believed that it is not we personally who sin. Rather, I wanted to believe that a foreign force of evil sins in us. That pleased my pride because then I was not responsible. If I did something evil, I didn't have to admit that I had done anything wrong. You [God] would heal my soul because some "it" over which I had no control was responsible. I loved to excuse myself and to accuse some other mysterious " thing" inside me that was disconnected from the real me. In truth it was wholly me and my wicked heart that divided me from myself. My sin was all the more hopeless because I did not judge myself to have any guilt.
What an abominable sinner I was. I wold rather have lordship over You, O God Almighty, even if it meant my ultimate destruction, than depend upon You for salvation. You had not yet put your guard on my mouth to lock my lips. I continued to say wicked things and try to justify myself so that I wouldn't have to face the guilt of my sins.
That is the way with those who live in sin. And I was one of their "elect"."

I have been such a blind fool for so long. It tears right to my core to know that I could sign my name to St. Augustine's Confession and be completely honest. I came to Asbury, found myself holy in my own eyes, in others, and lost all freedom to see You O Lord. To all those I have been arrogant, uncharitable, and condescending too, I beg your forgiveness. I really have had no Idea what I have been talking about. I can gladly say I am a new man. But I have a hard time surrendering the mockery and shame and destruction I have left on those innocent around me...
Thank God for Grace. Now I am beginging to know what it is and why I need it so desperately.