" Those who cling to worthless idols for forfeit the grace that could be theirs."
Jonah 2:8

Something new and odd....

So I let a friend in. Just opened some locked, barred and isolated doors to my past. Ironically, I have never felt more alone than I did today.


My dreams have become seeming illusions and faded unexpectedly.
All evaporates, yet one thing remains.
For that one thing I am overwhelmed and thankful...

The Price of the Vision

"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord . . ."

—Isaiah 6:1

"Our soul’s personal history with God is often an account of the death of our heroes. Over and over again God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place, and that is when we falter, fail, and become discouraged. Let me think about this personally— when the person died who represented for me all that God was, did I give up on everything in life? Did I become ill or disheartened? Or did I do as Isaiah did and see the Lord?

My vision of God is dependent upon the condition of my character. My character determines whether or not truth can even be revealed to me. Before I can say, "I saw the Lord," there must be something in my character that conforms to the likeness of God. Until I am born again and really begin to see the kingdom of God, I only see from the perspective of my own biases. What I need is God’s surgical procedure— His use of external circumstances to bring about internal purification.

Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third, until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account whatsoever. Your prayer will then be, "In all the world there is no one but You, dear God; there is no one but You."

Keep paying the price. Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision."

Sometimes I just long to tell the people I am closest to what is going on. But they are gone in one way or another. It is a call to Christ for me and I am not the most excited about how lonely the call can be, but I must surrender to that call. Even those I care for.

"We go to the best photographer to hide all the scars..."
I have been thinking about what makes my life different right now. I believe my scars don't have to be hidden now. I have played that game. I think I am fairly done with it. That doesn't mean that I tell everyone every scar, but that I know my wounds have been healed and that these scars are markers and reminders of the faithfulness of God.
Hosea has been a convicting read for me.
Indeed, my "loyalty [has been] like a morning cloud and like the dew which goes away early." My desire is to return. Not to make other gods...

So, overwhelmed seems to be the word of choice for me right now. Yet, I know God has a purpose for all of the things that are being brought into and taken out of my life. I find it increasingly hard to keep my gaze Christ-ward when I focus on all the deadlines and inadequecies that I have in my life. "Set your eyes on things above..."

" Anyone can carry his burden, however heavy, until nightfall.
Anyone can do his work, however hard, for one day.
Anyone can live sweetly, patiently, lovingly, purely til the sun goes down.
And that is all that life really is."
_ R.L. Stevenson

Thanks be to God that I can be "anyone"... His Child.

I want a Broken Heart....

I’ve got faith in the bank and money in my heart
i’ve got a calloused place where your ring used to be, my love
i’ve traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies

i thought the cattle on a thousand hills
was not enough to pay my bills
and i fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now i want a broken heart

now there’s a great pad lock
on the place where i was free
and i’m feeling bad from swallowing that key
now i work real hard but i mostly call in sick
of a broken back from the ground fighting back at me

i cannot look you in the eye
so i check the knots on my disguise
‘cause i fell in love with fashion in the dark
and now i want a broken heart

i’ve got alibis for every crime
a substitute to do my time
‘cause Your heart breaks enough on both our parts
so now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
-Derek Webb

Hmm...

The Joy of the Lord is my strength. Have you ever stopped to think about that? The past two day, well, they were not so good. But last night, and today, I cried out so hard. I prayed so hard about God's work at Asbury and in my life, and while I felt so horribly sick and tired, the love and Joy of the Lord overwhelmed me. Even though I feel pretty crappy, customers at work commented on my smile and "happiness" and one of the pastors that has come in knew my name well before I thought he should (first day). I wanted to tell those people it is the joy of the Lord, and if I am asked again, I think that will be my answer. I could list all of the things that are off in my life...things that could be better, but they don't really seem to matter. I know it is God. It is not me. I am amazed. The joy of the Lord is my strength....

Joy...

"Yes, it does make a difference where a man finds joy."
St. Augustine

What is a "Good Confession"?

A defense I have often used has been something along the lines of, "I am preaching the Gospel and only using words when necessary." I have been a covert Christian and hidden behind that in comfort. While reading, the idea of a confession of faith was clarified to me. When we think about our current system of baptism and spirituality in general, the American Church seems to fall short. In Rome, a confession of faith was a quite public thing. Religion has fallen in the realm of the private here, but then, a confession was a public confirmation and spoken declaration of ones belief in Jesus as the Christ. The Apostles Creed is the most notable example of such a proclamation:

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:
And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:
Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:
Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:
The third day he rose again from the dead:
He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:
From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:
I believe in the Holy Ghost:
I believe in the holy catholic church: the communion of saints:
The forgiveness of sins:
The resurrection of the body (or flesh):
And the life everlasting. Amen.

Such a proclamation creates an open identification of the believer with the life, death, resurrection, and sufferings of Christ. I think of my baptism and know that I was baptized in basically a private setting: a pond with close Christian friends. While that is part of the purpose, I wonder if I somehow missed what is at the heart of the issues. Most Christians in the Roman context incurred immediate persecution and I went along with my daily life unchanged. Perceptions unaltered. Hidden and sadly unchanged. My "good and beautiful confession" has been tempered by fear of public opinion and fallen into the shadows. And as such, the confession of those in countries in which persecution is a way of life makes their confession all that much more of a confession. Mine has only been a footnote to my life... and for that I feel some shame.

I am not bashing American Christians by any means. I am just raising the question: Why do I treat my salvation as a footnote to myself when I introduce myself? Why do I apologize to those around me and make allowances such as "I know you might not understand...", "it may seem weird to you...", or "I know this may be uncomfortable, but..."? It leads me to beg for forgiveness from my fear of those around me when my family prays in public. My reluctance to associate in public. I see this as a general American trend as well.

In Confessions, Augustine tells the story of a Roman, Victorinus, who claimed Christ in private, but would not identify with the Church in public. One of the Church fathers would not believe the confession of Victorinus until he made a public confession and stood with the church. To this, Victorinus would reply, "Do walls then make Christians?" In our culture of "acceptance", I find that my response has been the same as Victorinus to those that ask for a genuine stand.... Except, I don't feel that I have been asked for a genuine stand.

Underneath all of this, is my desire for relationship with Christ. There are several passages that talk about leaving all things, counting all things loss, leaving those we love for the sake of Christ, and the loss of our life to gain Christ.

My heart's cry is to be found in Christ and live a life that draws all around me to the reality of relationship with Christ. I want to find a way to have a public Confession.

A lot of thought ...

Ironically, I have been thinking so much about so many things. Mostly about God. My relationship with God and the deep tug I have felt towards Him recently. I have been trying to ask hard questions. I have been asking them, but I find that an entire summer has taught me that I have been less than unteachable: I have been a spiritual and intellectual snob that knows less than most. It is one of the most humiliating thoughts I have had in a long time. Sadly, all I can do is cry out to God and ask forgiveness for the mockery I have made of Him to those I live with and interact with. Do you want to see a Hypocrite? Look at me.

For the longest time I thought that I was above sin. I was a good Christian kid that did things well. I always have gotten in trouble for the things other people do, so I don't do anythings bad on my own. I heard it said before that one man, a "pagan" came to a knowledge and relationship with Jesus Christ and an excited Co-worker congratulated him.I don't remember how the story fully went, but it ended that the man who just had recieved Christ told the other man, a "devout" Christian, that the devout Christian was the one reason he hadn't pursued God before.

I am realizing that I am the reason I have not pursued God more. I am both men. I have thought that my status as a "good Kid" meant that I was above sin. I really didn't think I was evil or that i had a sinful nature. I could make it by on my own. In a relgion based on grace, "perfection" makes no need for a savior. My arrogance... It astounds even me.

I have been pouring over Romans and reading Confession by St. Augustine. Augustine has pierced me to the heart several times. I find myself relating far too much (except not when it comes to being wise, and catching things quickly with my intellect, and being a scholar, and... so only a little). I only want to share one passage, then off to bed.
"In Rome, I joined the same "holy ones" who were decieved and were decieving others. I fell ill and convalesced in a home of one of the disciples of this group. But I went beyond even discipleship and entered the inner circle, who called themselves "the elect". I still believed that it is not we personally who sin. Rather, I wanted to believe that a foreign force of evil sins in us. That pleased my pride because then I was not responsible. If I did something evil, I didn't have to admit that I had done anything wrong. You [God] would heal my soul because some "it" over which I had no control was responsible. I loved to excuse myself and to accuse some other mysterious " thing" inside me that was disconnected from the real me. In truth it was wholly me and my wicked heart that divided me from myself. My sin was all the more hopeless because I did not judge myself to have any guilt.
What an abominable sinner I was. I wold rather have lordship over You, O God Almighty, even if it meant my ultimate destruction, than depend upon You for salvation. You had not yet put your guard on my mouth to lock my lips. I continued to say wicked things and try to justify myself so that I wouldn't have to face the guilt of my sins.
That is the way with those who live in sin. And I was one of their "elect"."

I have been such a blind fool for so long. It tears right to my core to know that I could sign my name to St. Augustine's Confession and be completely honest. I came to Asbury, found myself holy in my own eyes, in others, and lost all freedom to see You O Lord. To all those I have been arrogant, uncharitable, and condescending too, I beg your forgiveness. I really have had no Idea what I have been talking about. I can gladly say I am a new man. But I have a hard time surrendering the mockery and shame and destruction I have left on those innocent around me...
Thank God for Grace. Now I am beginging to know what it is and why I need it so desperately.

from the woods...well more like a coffee shop

The summer has been amazing thus far. God has blown my mind and I have loved climbing, camping, white water canoeing/rafting, and hiking all summer. So many stories to tell...
But a fun side note. some of the rafting guides told me to put in an application. hah. I was flattered. Sorta shocked, but I can kinda compete with them on the river.
Thought:
First John says that God's commands are not burdensome. Why? I will let you know sometime soon...look in Ephesians.

For now...I am headed off once more into the woods to work on improving my hard PFD tanlines. Go big.

Reading. This summer:

The Picture of Dorian Gray:
Amazing. Not for everyone, maybe even bad for some types to read, but very convicting and very interesting.

The Great Divorce:
Well done, quick read, deep questions raised.

Reading...

Velvet Elvis: Solid so far. Blows Blue Like Jazz away. I highly recommend so far.

Your God is Too Small: Shocker and small. Really good to look at who you think "god" is.

Invivsilbe Children Article from Washington Post

A Child's Hell In the LRA

Invitation to the Thirsty

"Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.

Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.

Give ear and come to me;
hear me, that your soul may live.

Being broke tired and ready to be understood I have had nothing left. I have messed up so much in the realms of friendships. Love. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to accept it. I am indeed thirsty. I am hungry. Recently my philosophy has come up empty. I have wanted to come on my terms and failed miserably. I have forgotten that my terms have never counted in the invitation is free... Relational aspects that I ignored have been the point I have missed.

Isaiah 58

True Fasting

1 "Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the house of Jacob their sins.

2 For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.

3 'Why have we fasted,' they say,
'and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?'
"Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.

4 Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.

5 Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?

6 "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness ^[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

11 The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

12 Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

13 "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

14 then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

So this call to seek God in serving others. Forgiveness for so much shallow talk. To pour ourselves our for those in need. AoA. IC. It has a cost. Comfort. Oh I want comfort. But I want the call to be so much more than my thought of the cost.

[blank]

GNC and duct tape...

Thanks to all of you who stuck it out in the rain last night. I taked to at least twenty passer-bys that had no clue what was going on in Northern Uganda. I haven't seen anything on the news. I think that we are being eclipsed by the immigrant protest/walkout threatened tomorrow. Oh well.

Oh, strange but true:
Duct tape can rip off lip skin. Don't hold it in your mouth like you would normal tape. I answered questions for a group of curious people after ripping a chunk of skin off of my lips. I think it is both funny and sick. I asked for them to excuse my bleeding...they did.

Have a great day all.

More...

Recently the more I have looked at myself and actually pealed back the layers of my colloused past three years I am at the realization that I truly need a savior. I guess broken is a good miserable place to be. I can't stand how blind I have been. It continues to be painful to know that certain parables are directed right at me. he gives sight to the blind and I need it before I make bigger messes.
I am just blown away and the rain that we have been experienceing seems to be how conviction has hit me recently, hard. It refreshes, but leaves me cold. I have had a fog...a cloudy haze that smells like rain in my life and now I know why. I'd love a good cigar and I miss the peace... I know this is getting muddled.
This is where I so long to hear: "arise shine for the light of His glory shines now upon you." Redemption and conviction take different forms than I would expect...I need to work on my expectations. I am so happy that I can fall into a grace that forgives, but I need the courage to obey. Grace has a deep cost and I never want to cheapen it by my stupidity.

Hey all....Invisible Children on Oprah today at four. Watch it. We have a central location for the commute and security clearance to park. If you have questions give me a call or toss out a note.

B.O.

After working out there is always that question: "Do I stink, or did my deodorant work?" I think it is really funny that I can sniff around and try to find out who it is in my group that stinks. Sometimes I find out, in a horrific realization, that it is me. I am the stinker. Closely related to that. Sometimes we can't smell our own B.O. It's an odd phenomenon. It's an even more odd line of thought, but stick with me. We can recognize someone else's stench, but be completely oblivious to our own.
So a random thought... but in my mind this is where it leads. I think the B.O. of humanity is hypocrisy. It has a uniquely repulsive odor about it. We can recognize it anywhere. I really don't like having to deal with people suffering from it, but like my B.O. example, sometimes I smell a stench that I can't locate. Sometimes I even become oblivious to my own odor. Recently I have been such an oblivious hypocrite. Really rank and I had no idea how bad I was. Just like trying to keep genuinely interested in a conversation with someone that smells horribly, I also have an aversion to words, however true they are, spoken out of hyporisy. So often ,after a history of an action, it is almost impossible to get the scent impression out of your mind. Here is my confession of social B.O. I am not proud of...I can't be. I ask your forgiveness. I know you most likely won't be able to forget it. It scars the memory. But that's my stench and I am resposible for making you uncomfortable...

Thought and Rocktown pics...of me...vanity....

"That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking the other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in."
-C.S. Lewis

Invisible Children...

Last night's showing surprised me. I expected 200 people at best. We has closer to 500. It was amazing to see all that work come to fruition. The question always remains, "What now?" I have to get back to work... But thanks to all who came. You shocked me. Thanks also to Garren, Joe, Sarah, and Michelle. You guys were fun to get to know... good luck as you wrap things up.

Doubting Thomas... and Faith... life.

"Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die
Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted ..."

So in this whole philosophy thing, I have always been terrified that what I have based my life around could be proven false. It's an interesting thing to feel at times that life is built around a house of cards that a single philosophical delima could bring it down. I guess I am now at the point that I am fairly confident in the reality of Christ. I have doubted and questioned and had so many fits to try and get my way. I have tried to prove it false for so long. It is quite ironic to try to disprove something when the one thing I want is for Christ to be truth. That reality would be too good for it to be true. Wouldn't it?
I have gotten used to not holding my breath. A while back I wrote that I had nothing to say, but that I wanted too. It was like a birthing process (although i am not sure how much I can own or appreciate the analogy). I have been dealing with Kant and Hegel in Modern and as many questions as they have raised which cause many theologians to hate them, I find some serious comfort in what they have said. Kant really helped to cement (or at least bring hope) to some issues I have had. In many ways he is a doubter's philosopher. I never wanted to be a clone or one of the faceless conservative mob. I have never liked a label. As many, I thought that acceptance of Christ means the rejection of an identity and the theft of personality.
I guess I can say that I have finally come to the place that God, in the reality of Christ, is an almost unquestionable reality. As I have said I wared against it for so long. I have attacked the weaknesses and come back defeated. It is a good place.
Now, instead of the loss of identity, Christ is actually the gaining of identity and the realization of personality for me. I have lived so long trying to please people or fit in. I have been lost in the futile attempt to be"like that". It hurts and is so painful to attempt. In Christ I have the freedom to be the more honest and sincere than anywhere else. It is not easy. So many causes and people vie for my heart, so many ideas wrestle for my mind. It all boils down to obedience faith and having the courage to act on both. In some ways it is a fight, an act of will, to overcome everything that screams, "NO!". But it is rewarding and freedom...and freedom is worth fighting for. The thought that I could, can , and have been used blows my mind.

So silence has become me recently. It is not that I don't have things on my mind or ideas that are bursting to be relesed.

Blank and ignorant... SOmetimes I realize too late what a dumb kid I am. So far to go and it is not even funny.

Being salt and light...maybe even arrested.

So usually I have tame Friday nights. Irony of inronies the normal suspects were out of town this weekend. This meant that I got to catch up with some friends I haven't been able to hang out with. So a group of us went to the mall in Lexington, I am proud to admit I haven't set foot in one since Christmas, and then went to Common Grounds for the evening. We laughed about how homeless people always find me and hang out with me. Then we sit and have long talks and they give me some pretty sweet advice. Well, one of the musicians supposed to play cancelled, so rather than spend an hour or two sitting and waiting for the other guy to come to play we went to our favorite health code violation Chinese place.

I am broke and debated on getting the General Tso's or not. But, why not? So I bought it and made small talk with the guy at the cash register. He asked if I wanted the value meal and somehow we talked about happy meals... (random note: I love chopsticks).

After we got our food, we wanted to find a place to eat it. We drove for a while trying to find a place to park and a place inside because it had gotten cold. We finally settled down to eat, but they put too much Chicken in my to-go box. My General Tso's sause spilled on my leg and I was fairly frustrated fom that, but as I ate I became full. Anyone who has seem me eat Thai or Chinese knows that is very rare, but I couldn't finish, or even come close. A minute after I commented to the group that I couldn't eat any more a man who was down on his luck and drunk walked in. It's funny when you know why things happened and what is supposed to be done. So seemed only right to give Larry (the guy who walked in) my chicken. He told us his life story. and gave us a piece of gum. And then we needed to go. He asked for a dollar for bus-fare and I was going to give him some more change, but he only accepted the dollar.

God always blows my mind with things like that. I am so blessed. I understand more why Jesus spent time with the poor and rejected. Love takes many forms and just listening to a life story. So often walking around a city can be a weird process. Life has all of its most raw aspects laid bare in front of oyu if you dare to look. Being salt and light doesn't always mean standing on a soapbox, but rather sitting on the ground. The more I read about Jesus the more I am amazed.

We ended the night at Common Grounds, left about 45 minutes after the last set had finished, and attempted to get back in time for curfew. Well, we were pulled over and spent about 40 minutes with the wilmore Police department. I wasn't friving, but two of us apparently look like we "have fun" to the officers. After threats of arrests and K-9 unit searches, they decided tto give us a break. I need to remember about the beard before I fly again... dress up. Even though we were late, God is good. It just gave me an opportunity to leave some fun messages for Josiah.

"It is a sin to bore anyone with the Gospel."

"I can see now I never really committed... I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments. " (High Fidelity)

I find it interesting how often commitment has been a dirty word to me. I like having control. I'll be honest. I like to be in control, but I don't want the responsibility when the blame is getting dished out. I like to live vicariously thorugh people and organize their actions and watch the success. Then i become frustrated because it is my idea that is getting someont else credit. Well, that is some real insecurity isn't it?

Things are changing for me. I am tired of being passive, and there are some things in life that you cannot just sit on someone else's coat-tails for. Good gets in the way of the best. Pain happens too. People say that nothing of value comes for free or doesn't have a price that must be paid. In the midst of calls to "settle" and to "just accept things", I can't help but think that that is wrong.

While I am not quite certain where I supposed to be, God has been revealing some new passions that I did not know I had. Regardless of where I am headed, I can't help but feel that God never calls us to settle! He calls us to FOLLOW. Paul shows a zeal to keeep moving forward. There are many examples, but one of the most clear for me is in Philippians:

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

I guess being a (former) athlete brings this into perspective. So often I wanted to quit. When I hurt I wanted to give up so badly. If I give up I become less than mediocre.

To commit...

I feel it so much today. So battered. It is interesting how I want to grow, but tend to hate the pain involved. All I want is not what I need:

I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.

Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD :
"O LORD, save me!"

The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.

The LORD protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.

For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the LORD
in the land of the living.

How can I repay the LORD
for all his goodness to me?

hmmm.

Yeah. This is a dorm room. Just thought I would let you know. It makes me laugh.

Aquinas....

So in Aquinas the other day, we got into a friendly debate over the things necessary for happiness. One of the questions in his Treatise on Happiness is, " Are friends necessary for hapiness?". I sharply disagreed with Aquinas in class. He says that there are two types of happiness: perfect and imperfect. For imperfect happines it seems as though friends are required, but he concludes that the combination of God and one person creates all that is needed.

Of course, several of us tried to take down Saint Thomas. We argued that if an was in a vacuum this would be fine, but man is relational. We cannot fathom only God. God said it was "not good" for man to be alone in Genesis. We talked about how even hermits interact with people occasionally and that isolation is not good for people. Some students brought up the monastic orders and pointed out how men separate themselves from the world, but we instantly rebuted them saying that they at least lived in a community of like minded monks.

I have been thinking for a while today, a week later, about my resonse on this question. I was confusing the ideal with the actual. I was trasnfering my frustration for God not being sufficient for me as an excuse to shoot down Aquinas. Like I wrote a while back, we are beings that live a life of reaction. I reacted to my prof's high view of Aquinas and my own spiritual frustration.

I see friends as a necessity because of my overdependance on them. I do not like being alone. What is alone? Humorous, is it not? William Wadsworth wrote, "The World is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste to our powers". If we were to remove our dependance on the friends that fail, and then to place it in the one who created them, how would we live? We are such needy people. Such helpless children. And this is where friends help to balance us out. I believe that friends are necessary, but should not be our aim. I think that the ideal would be great, but due to our fallen nature we are unable to completely attain the ideal. Most of the practical things that I have learned about God i have learned through my friends.

"He asks too much to whom God is not sufficient."

“He is an exceedingly covetous fellow to whom God is not sufficient; and he is an exceeding fool to whom the world is sufficient. For God is all inexhaustible treasury of all riches, sufficing innumerable men; while the world has mere trifles and fascinations to offer, and leads the soul into deep and sorrowful poverty.”

Reactions...

I watched chapel today. Snug in my room. I had just gotten out of the shower, having overslept. I woke up miserably seeking God. Feeling empty. Apparently I was not seeking God, but my comfort. I always want to feel his peace, but not His unsettling movement in my life. I just couldn't get over myself...

So I have been realizing how selfish I am and focusing on that. I have been using myself to hide from God. You know when you hold your hand up really close to your eye, you can blot out something so much bigger (even squish a head ot two). Well I have in a sense been squishing God. I have kept God at an arm's length and stared at what I consider bad in my life instead of praising Him for what is good in my life. I have been so busy telling God what I think that he should do in my life instead of actually listening and hearing what He has called me to do.

I stopped and listened. All I could hear was my own thoughts and the chaos that I have let them hold in my life. Such loud silence. Thoughts jumbled and crashing into each other. I wish I could blame it on ADD. This will come to a point soon...trust me.

Image:
When you fly or travel, sometimes people focus too close to their vehicle. SO much movement and lack of control. Lack of direction. This can cause motion sickness. Or try a slack line. If you focus exactly on what you are doing (each step and shift of the webbing) you will lose your balance. In both instances you need to look intently at something farther or bigger than yourself. You must pick a point and dedicate your eyes to being fixed on it. This give a perspective that balances out the instability. I think this is how it is in our inner life. "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful man, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Basically, my conclusion is this:

If we focus on ourselves, our world falls into chaos, our dreams become empty and void of life, and our God becomes small. If we focus on Christ, keeping our eyes disiplined and rightly directed, we are free to worship. We are free to live. yes, there will be suffering and things flying by us, but we will have found the person that can "keep us from falling" and will "do immeasuably more than we," in our shortsightedness, could hope or ask for. Then people will see the servant and want to know the master.

"...stop asking God to bless what you’re doing.

Get involved in what God is doing—because it’s already blessed."

Being a Bastard...no really.

"Am I putting God in the humiliating position of having treated me as a child of His whilst all the time I have been ignoring Him? When I do hear Him, the humiliation I have put on Him comes back on me - "Lord, why was I so dull and so obstinate?" This is always the result when once we do hear God. The real delight of hearing Him is tempered with shame in having been so long in hearing Him. "
Chambers.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat of it's fruit."
Proverbs 18:21

"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?If you are not disciplined (and everyone is dsciplined), than you are illegitimate children and not true sons."
Hebrews 12:7-8

Harsh title, huh? Especially coming from me. I tend to not use this kind of language, even if it is what I mean or want to say, but my tongue has forced me into this position. My heart has not been pursuing God with all that is in it. As the snow is once more falling, I am reminded of the way my sins are not covered, but gone. Yet I am so hesitant to accept a gift that I consider free: Forginveness. Ironically it is not free. It is so expensive. It costs two lives. His and mine.

So confidently yesterday i took my life into my hands and decided to be "cute". My wit is sharp and some people consider that a blessing. Well, I cut too many people with its blade. One. One person is too many. And for that my heart is broken. I humilliated Christ by not thinking. I took for granted the power of words once more and became, no, a not a bastard, because that implies something that I cannot help (and I can help this), but such a prodigal son. I find it funny the way I realize meanings of words, but I will keep the title because it is catchy.

I have been claiming to hear God on such levels as acting on what I feel is a call. Saddly I have ignored the very basest, simplest call: To love in word deed and truth. Haha. Yeah I usually don't work things out on such a public level. I am very private and very proud. And selfish. Thankfully there is forgiveness and discipline. You know, I think the idea of Catholic penance is very appealing to me. But I am reminded of Joel 2:13 right now:

Rend your heart
and not your garments.
Return to the LORD your God,
for he is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and abounding in love,
and he relents from sending calamity.

All the actions I want are not enough unless I change in my heart. Well, my heart is torn.
"Come, let us return to the LORD
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;
He has wounded us, but He will bandage us.
"He will revive us after two days;
He will raise us up on the third day,
That we may live before Him.
"So let us know, let us press on to know the LORD
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth."

come rains, oh come rains...

Sometimes the best thing said is nothing at all...

Philosophy...

Nine hours of philosophy this semester makes me very aware of a few things. One. I tend to be shallow and partial to how I look at the world. Two. I bit off more than I can chew well. And three. So much of life is a reaction. Reactions of the mind against things that move us. So many great thinkers stumbled into their beliefs because of how passionately they were struck, both possitively and negatively, by the actions or assertions of another. Hobbes to Descartes. Spinoza to Hobbes and Descartes. Etc. This reactionary attitude dwells in the depths of my heart and mind. Often to my detriment. I have hated the church for so long. Everything about the lies lived by members makes me hurt and deeply saddened by how I know it is supposed to be different. I have run in so many simple ways from that "institution" failling to see that the institution is not the Church. The irony is that I condemn it for being fake, for not loving, for not being Christ, for not taking action and for walking the other side of the road when an untouchable is in need. These traits are mine as well. People like to use this quote often, "The Church is a whore, but she is my mother." Augustine had it right there, but I too am a whore as well. Intellectually I stand pointing a finger at the church. Yet, I have become terrified that I will start to serve the intellect more the the one that made the thought possible. It starts small. Then I am left with the biggest ego. So proud. Certainly there are many things wrong with the church, but I have been attempting to stone it so often, when i am the one caught in adultery. Thankfully I just need to open my ears and hear "neither do I condemn you." More later...

Who am I?

Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell's confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They also tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win. 

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.

Bonhoeffer

Now for action...

"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children."

Bonhoeffer

Hwne you have a cause that is bigger than you, it give you a life and energy that is outside of your normal restrictions. I have a passion for something and that is rare. I have hidden it for fear. Well now the fire has been lit, and the plan of action is in the works. I long for a pure heart and motives in all that I am doing. Too often the choice is lead, shutup, walk away, or be ineffective and numb. That is not acceptable now. Not enough.

It is amazing how fearful I am of stepping up and claiming what is in my heart with confidence. The impact of an event is felt in its aftermath. What happened? Or what has changed?

"Will I be different now or the same?
Have even learned anything?
...or was it just a way to spend a day or two set aside for thinking thoughts about you.
If that's all it was I had a good time.
But that won't be enough for me.
Not this year or anytime soon!"

Charlie Peacock

Actions should and must be taken to be Christ to the community and to make up for lost time. Not for our sake or the church's ...but for Christ. It is time to stand up and stand by those in need. Whether on a national, international level, or the guy standing next to me in line, I need to reflect Christ to them in everything I do. He has been slandered by my actions and words long enough. Call me out everyone. Keep me accountable...

Heart...

"Prostitutes are in no danger of finding their present life so satisfactory that they cannot turn to God: the pround, the avarice, the self-righteous, are in danger."
C. S. Lewis

I've never wanted to have a heart that is not attached to the comfort of the world more than I do now. I am so tired of being a white-washed tomb.


"You can live the College life or change the world."

Take action....

www.seekjustice.org

AIDS
Northern Uganda
Sex Tourism
Etc.

Let your voice be heard...

Just got back from the Acting on AIDS Leadership Conference. I am processing the information, so expect loads of information coming soon.

Definitions: Defined?

1 : an act of determining; specifically : the formal proclamation of a Roman Catholic dogma
2 a : a statement expressing the essential nature of something b : a statement of the meaning of a word or word group or a sign or symbol definitions> c : a product of defining
3 : the action or process of defining
4 a : the action or the power of describing, explaining, or making definate and clear b : clarity of visual presentation : distinctness of outline or detail

What needs to be alright in your life for you to be alright?
What defines your identity?

jim burgen

When you describe yourself what words to you use and what names do you drop. I have been so convicted of this the past month. Seriously listen to yourself... How do you define your worth? And by your conversations, how do you define those around you? I know I need to change the way I speak. I am careless with my words...

New news....

Just so you know: Invisible Chidlren is coming to campus on April 19th at 9:00pm in Hughes. We are still working the details as to whether we can get the film-makers to attend and speak. That would be sweet. In either case, please come out an be changed. This is a moving film that is a nightmare o us, but a waking state to thousands of children in Uganda and around the world.

So with the uncertainty involved in the Congo/AO! situations, I have learned one really important thing. One opportunity gives the mandate to pour everything out into the other. Regardless of where I am led, I need to have a passion as if I was supposed to do the other. Funny thought, huh? I just had the thought, maybe a realization, I so often fall into a passivity when i think I know where I am supposed to go. It is as if I need something to doubt in my life so that I can cling to God instead of my plans (Descartes anyone?). Have you ever wondered if you knew exactly what you were supposed to do with your life (in the datails) if you would be able to be as effective as you would taking one step at a time? It's just something to think about...

One who breaks open the way will go up before them;
they will break through the gate and go out.
Their king will pass through before them,
the LORD at their head."

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

When you are real...

"Weeks passed, and the little Rabbit grew very old and shabby, but the Boy loved him just as much. He loved him so hard that he loved all his whiskers off, and the pink lining to his ears turned grey, and his brown spots faded. He even began to lose his shape, and he scarcely looked like a rabbit any more, except to the Boy. To him he was always beautiful, and that was all that the little Rabbit cared about. He didn't mind how he looked to other people, because the nursery magic had made him Real, and when you are Real shabbiness doesn't matter. "

I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep
Your love it beckons deeply,
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.

Sin has lost it's power,
death has lost it's sting.
From the grave you've risen
VICTORIOUSLY!
Into marvelous light I'm running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I'm free. now I'm free!
Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that i have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light

-C. Hall

"I Know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him with my own eyes
--I and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!"

Job 19: 25-27

"Well, the going rate for change is not cheap. Big ideas are expensive."

"Every era has its defining struggle and the fate of Africa is one of ours. It's not the only one, but in the history books it's easily going to make the top five, what we did or what we did not do. It's a proving ground, as I said earlier, for the idea of equality. But whether it's this or something else, I hope you'll pick a fight and get in it." -Bono

Hey all. Check out invisiblechildren.com . We are trying to get them at Asbury.

Some Color to the Break:

Nashville nightlife

nice slogan...

Yes 11 of us around Nashville in the Toyota '87 Van..

Having loved his own who were in the world,
he now showed them the extent of his love.


So he got up from the meal,
took off his outer clothing,
and wrapped a towel around his waist.
After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his [friends'] feet,
drying them with the towel wrapped around him.

Time...

So last night I went to the climbing gym in Chacos. It was sweet then. Somewhat rainy. Then I went over to the girls' place and as I was leaving...in my chacos I noticed that there was snow covering the ground. Its funny what can happen in a couple hours in Kentucky.

The "John Wesley Covenant Renewal Service" was today. As I was sitting there, I actually believed what I was saying. I wanted to actually say it. Not to be constrained by the dull drone of voices, but to really say it with conviction. I was slightly torn by this urge to read it with some form of passion, so I listened to the voices around me. I heard many just trying to conform with the cadence of the crowd, but then I listened some more. I heard two or three voices around me that were actually passionate about what they were saying. I was comforted by their voices...
Funny I know. But it stood out to me.

"Do things passionately. Passion pushes you; lack of it poisons you."

Recently....

I have been thinking about myself and people around me. I like to please people so much. I like to find my value in the opinions more than almost anything, yet I cutting this thing out of my life is so painful. Thing might be freudian slip, because I wanted to write "these things" but I guess I was thinking about a specific something.

If you watch t.v. and the program scrubs, then i can be best described as J.D., Bambi, Scooter, or whatever name you want the character to go by. I hate people that say that... the ones that project themselves into a show. It has always made me mad, but Ithink this one actually fits this time. Sad...

welcome to my inner thoughts.

"Now my life will change. I shall be born again in a new form."

Dostoevsky

Alito...

Yay for confirmation hearings. What else is there to watch on such a gloriously rainy cold day? I really urge you to take advantage of this time to see what your elected representatives are actually doing on the Judicial Committee. I call myself a moderate, tend to be more conservative, but I really enjoyed hearing Sen. Dick Durbin ask Judge Alito questions. They could carry on a conversation with each other and it was an amazing contrast to the embarrassing display of Sen. Kennedy (notice I was commending Durbin: he is a democrat from Illinois)). I have been fascinated about the inability for many on both sides of the isle to not be able to get over Roe and ask other questions probing the minds of our judicial nominees. It is as if the Supreme Court hears no cases other than on abortion. Can there be anything more important? I do not mean to down play the importance of the abortion issue, but so much more is at stake in a judicial nomination than one or two issues.

That is something that tends to get lost in politics today. Things are personal, and I am not trying to say, "Cease having convictions!" But at some point we must realize that the philosophies associated with both abortion and homosexuality do not lay out how to run all aspects of a government. Single or dual issue platforms are not the answer. Just because one candidate matches our position on the two does not mean that he or she is not a fool, unqualified, or corrupt. So often we believe that if we project our morals into the national arena that the world will see the light. Many times we (this makes me responsible as well) fail to realize that even though we champion a cause, we can run over individuals and leave our witness somewhere behind us in the dust.

I have been struggling over "rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar's" and how little and how much Jesus mentioned the politics of the time. I have been thinking about law, etc. again. What is the balance between policy and love? It seems as though Jesus has the pattern of getting angry at the Jews/Church and coming down hard on them, yet gently addressing the gentiles. I am working on the ideas of Christians in politics, government and law, because I am so inspired and awakened by the challenges they presents yet, I am also fearful of how competitive I become and prideful I am. That is what Washington lives on. I have been struggling with the desire to be known and great or to be known only in Christ.

Nashville...

So our trip to Nashville was amazing. I learned a but more how prideful and selfish I really am...oh and did I mention lazy? One of the biggest things for me was meeting Jesse. Three of us were going to watch "Tip of the spear" or whatever the title of the new movie about Jim Elliot and Nate Saint is called. Since the showing was late, starting at 1130 and we hadn't had much sleep, we decided to take the trek back to the hostel we were staying at to get some sleep. Yeah, We stayed at this amazing Hostel in Nashville. The Owner is really great guy and has some wonderful interactions with the international refugee community, but that is for a later time. On the way out we rounded the corner and were asked by a homeless man to pray for him. Anyway he didn't really want us to pray for him, but to talk. I wasn't really partial to the idea, but as 5 minutes turned into 45, my worldview was rocked by this drunk homeless man named Jesse. Ask me about it, my heart really broke for Jesse.
Jesse the XXXCHURCH and Invisible Children. Check them out (Jesse will be harder to find...). Those two organizations are taking issues that are many times taboo and addressing them head-on. I think in some ways they are going too far with their campaigns, but I have such a passion for groups addressing the lie of Pornography. I was able to hear one of the goofy founders speak in Nashville before he hopped on a flight to the Expo. I found it interesting how often people that work in that area (porn) are abandoned by Christians as lost causes. Jesus does love porn stars regardless of whether we choose to express that love. I am not saying that he embraces what they do, no way, but His love for me is just the same as His love for them. Why would someone give themselves over completely for someone that is only going to run away? only going to find another to love? only going to willfully hurt them? I do that. I run away find other loves and willfully choose to hurt. I guess I just think it is admirable that someone choses to go and address the issue.
You know the irony of this blog? I swore I wouldn't use it as a thing to preach from...oops. I really hate it when people do. Sorry. I am really excited about these things and that is rare. Anyway, check out the links I just added. The film "Invisible Children" ( I am going to buy one) is going to be touring around at different campus locals from now on. Check times and dates. It has been said by Bono and others that our generation is going to be judged on whether or not we helped africa (not in a white man's burden sense) or continued to isolate them. As having been, once you go to africa, you will never be the same. It has a strange pull back. These guys are noteworthy because they are not randomly throwing money ot the problems for the corrupt to exploit (UN), rather they are sponsoring indivdual children to get them educations in the country of Uganda so that these children have a hope, but also are in the position to rise into places of leadership. This is a plan that can work. Well I am spent...I will proof-read and write more soon. My big challenge is to live like I am actually redeemed. I am such a negative person and that has to change. Anywho, take care eh?

Don't blame the darkness for being dark, blame the light for not shining on it.

Back and Gone...again

Hey all. Happy New Year. I just Got back in from Cinci and the Tegge wedding. It was a blast. Beautiful to say the least. Now I am off to roadtrip down to Nashville. Maybe I will get time here in Va sometime soon before I head back down to Kentucky. Yes, but the travel is great. I will write about the flights later. And I must say Ohio: Yay for the Huge Jesus statue. I couldn't help but be shocked. Until an unspecified time. Take care all.